H20

Does it ever amaze you how much knowledge there is out there in the world? We could go to school for our entire lives and still know only a fraction of everything there is to learn. It kind of freaks me out to think about it. I want to know as much as possible; not because I want to be a know-it-all, but because I find so many different topics to be interesting. I always say that I will continue to obtain an education even when I grow up (haha). Even if it's just one course a semester, I want to be able to take classes that interest me just for the hell of it. But I do know that life gets really hectic and you work long hours, have children to take care of, etc, etc. 

For the last two weeks I've kind of been obsessing over starfish (I know-random). So... when one wants to learn about something obviously they turn to Google :) What would we do without Google??! I sure did learn a lot too! They are no longer scientifically known as 'starfish', but as sea stars instead. The reason behind this is that they do not meet the requirements to be considered a fish. I am going to continue to refer to them as starfish throughout this blog, just so you know. They also don't have brains or blood! I've got my money on them for surviving any type of vampire takeover or zombie apocalypse. They can reproduce asexually by a female starfish laying eggs and the male later fertilizing them. Another fun fact is that if a starfish loses a limb that limb can grow a whole other starfish from it! Crazy. Oh & baby starfish are too cute. But anyway, since I was researching starfish I of course ran across pictures of jellyfish, sea cucumber (now those are weird), and other marine life. I then started thinking about how cute & fascinating other aquatic animals are such as otters, whales, baby seals, and of course sea turtles. Maybe I chose the wrong major, what if I should actually be studying marine biology?! Hmmm... maybe I should tell my parents that I want to transfer to a coastal school and see if that's what my calling is. Just Kidding. Wayyyyy too close to graduation for all of that, hahaha. And anyway, who am i kidding-- i'm terrified of sharks. 

I should probably graduate and find a job before I dip my feet in anything else (yes, i crack myself up), 

xoxo Kaila

November Reflection

I really don't believe that tomorrow is December. I feel like i'm running out of time to live. Aahhhh.

If you don't remember, I set two monthly goals for these past 4 weeks. They were:

My November Goals:

1. Practice meditating. 

2. Eat my veggies--daily! 

Wondering how I did?! Well...

Practice meditating: 
Oh, I practiced. Once. It's really hard to completely clear your mind of ALL thoughts. The second I start thinking of nothing, it makes me think about how I'm thinking about nothing and my mind just takes it from there, haha. But, practice makes perfect (or at least close to it), and the reality of the fact is that I didn't practice. It actually wasn't something I really remembered. Other than the beginning of the month when I set my goals, meditating was never really on my mind. My brain has been occupied with plenty of other things this month. So, I failed.

Eat my veggies--daily!:
After setting this goal I went to the grocery story and bought lettuce, cucumbers, carrots, peas, & a variety of peppers. I soon discovered that I can't sit down and eat a bowl of raw peppers, it's just kind of boring and you end up burping up peppers for the rest of the day. I found that I don't mind eating salads, carrots, corn, or peas regularly, so I stuck to those. I have eaten them everyday, with the exception of 2 or 3 days throughout the month. I feel I have succeeded, and i'll continue to make my mama proud by eating my greens. :)


As for December, the only goals I am setting is surviving finals & enjoying break. December should be rather interesting. I'm excited to finish this semester and go back to the suburbs. I'm ready for a Thanksgiving Break Part 2 where I spent a lot of time with old friends at the new bar in town. I'll be home for two weeks, and then on the 27th at 3am i'll be off to O'hare. Hours later i'll be landing at LAX (still have no idea who will be waiting for me there, but there's time to figure out the details). I cannot wait to see palm trees again! I'm nervous about this trip for some reason. I've never traveled so close to Christmas before, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed that the airport experience goes smoothly. As for everything else, I just have to remember that California is one of my favorite places and has some of my favorite people!

Until next time,
xoxoKaila

Stoopid Sunday

My mind feels so clustered. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's almost as I have so many thoughts and feelings happening right now that it's hard to focus on anything. Of course this isn't the greatest time to be feeling this way. With finals coming up in two weeks, not to mention the papers and tests I have due before then, I really need to focus on school and getting good grades. If a genie were to appear my first wish would be to graduate right now. Two more semesters are going to kill me. I'm ready to move out of Bloomington-Normal for good. But no, instead I get to drive back to school today and dread getting up for class tomorrow.
On top of school, I am extremely stressed out about a variety of other things. I'm at that point were curling up and crying sounds like a wonderful idea. I've never had a real headache, but i'm pretty sure if I was able to get them I would have had one for the past few days. My brain literally feels full, if that even makes sense. I wish I could somehow empty it. Erase everything and be able to walk around with a smile on. Unfortunately, I feel hate creeping back into my heart lately. Probably because of all the stress and worry. I need to get back to chasing happiness.
I know that in 17 days I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief. Finals will be over which will hopefully eliminate a good portion of the stress. I will be able to focus my energy on other things, like Christmas and California (31 days..but who's counting).
It's just really heartbreaking how selfish and inconsiderate human beings can be. I know that at times I definitely fit into these categories. But time & time again people never fail to let you down, whether they are strangers, friends, or even family. It's absolutely terrible. Why do we continue to put up with it? Is it because we love them and care about them? Is it because we don't respect ourselves enough to stand up to them? It it because we are too weak?

Who knows...not me,

xoxo Kaila

Lets Trade Places

Do you know that feeling when you wish you could just fix it all? Take away someone elses pain? Be able to make them forget about everything bad that is happening to them?

One of the hardest things is seeing the people you care about go through something that you have no control over. You hurt for them. You want to heal them. All you can do is be there for them and yet you feel that that just isn't enough. Their heartbreak breaks your heart. It gives you pain seeing them in pain. You shed tears after hearing them shed tears. They've been torn apart and all you want to do is stitch up their wounds.

& Anything you say won't come close to expressing how much you really do care, how much you hate seeing them this way.

You wish you could walk by their side, holding their hand, guiding the way, making sure that they don't forget how to smile. But miles separate you physically and all you can do is hope that they understand that there isn't enough miles in the world to separate you mentally and emotionally. No matter how far away or how long it has been you will continue to care for them and hurt when they are hurting.

It never fails that the people that hurt the most are the ones that deserve it the least. The biggest hearts experience the most breaks. The kindest souls encounter the darkest problems.

All you can wish for is that your words somehow convey even the slightest fraction of your thoughts and feelings. You want them to remember that they are loved, that they will get through it, and that you will always have an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and a smile to share.


you are more amazing than you think you are,
xoxo Kaila

What Do You Want To Do?

Bucket lists are such a fun thing to have, so here's mine...

• Visit all 50 states.       

              -This has been a goal of mine for years. I've been to 12 states, so I still have quite a ways to go. Also, just simply passing through them doesn't count. You have to stay overnight or at least a whole day (preferably minimum of 24 hours-although I must admit I do count Indiana even though i've never actually stayed there for a full 24, but i've been there enough times for it to count!)

• Live in a city. 

             -Chicago would be fun, but I won't limit myself. I think city life would be great for a year or two when I am still young. Maybe grad school with provide me with this opportunity (UCLA anyone? ;]).

• Work somewhere that genuinely makes me happy. 

            -I am going to have to have a job that helps others in order for me to truly enjoy it. I'm interested in helping people who are living in poverty or maybe helping teenagers earn their citizenship. Not really sure exactly what I want to do, maybe even working with children through DCFS/CPS.

• Graduate College. 

           -If all goes as planned, this time next year I will be preparing to walk across that stage!

• Ride in a horse drawn carriage downtown Chicago during wintertime. 

           -Every time I go to the city during the holidays I always wish it was me riding in one of the horse drawn carriages, so cute & so romantic [especially if it's snowy]... one day.

• Have a New Years Eve kiss. 

         -Yeah, I haven't had a midnight kiss yet, what is up with that? Sadddd.

• Interview random strangers just for the fun of it. 

         -I love love love learning about new people, just hearing their stories. It would be so fun to be able to approach someone and start interviewing them just for the purpose of getting to know them and learning about their experiences in life.

• Become trilingual. 

        -Well, I already know English. & my next language will definitely be Spanish (as soon as I graduate I'm enrolling in Spanish courses). But for my 3rd language I think I will pick something totally random and cool. Like Russian.

• Be able to buy a brand new car, fresh off the lot. 

         - Can't wait to do this one, it will be so exciting!

• Write a book/get something published. 

• See the aurora borealis. 

          -I want to do this soooo bad & soon! 

• Spend NYE in Times Square. 

           - I've heard bad things about NYE in Times Square, just because of how crowded it gets and whatnot... but I don't even care, that's not going to stop me. I want to be able to say i've been there to see the ball drop. 

• Send my parents on a nice vacation. 

         -I will never be able to repay my parents for all the things that they have done and continue to do for me. They are two amazing people that have worked hard to create a good life for their 3 kids and 2 grandchildren. Although I will never be able to give them everything that they deserve, I do want to send them on an amazing vacation. 

• Experience a sunset and sunrise on a beach. 

          -I've actually already experienced the sunset, but a sunrise would be beautiful too. Maybe i'll be able to do that next month after a long night of partying in LA? haha

• Drop a bunch of money on a designer outfit and big designer sunglasses then walk down Rodeo Drive or Sunset Blvd acting like i'm famous. 

          -Of course i'd keep the tags on and return it all after (kidding).

• Learn how to play the piano/keyboard. 

        -I love the piano. My parents actually got me a keyboard years ago for Christmas, but I never learned to play  anything other than Jingle Bells and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star [& trust me, even then all the keys were labeled]. My ultimate goal is to be able to play 'Clocks' by Coldplay. 

• Fall asleep under the stars in the back of a pickup truck. 

         -Go somewhere away from the city lights, curl up in blankets... sounds perfect, doesn't it? 

• Own a piece of Tiffany's jewelry. 

        -I love their key collection that came out a few years ago. I'm sure by the time I am able to afford Tiffany's they will have tons of new things, but I love the key necklaces. 

• Be someone's mentor. 

         -I've seen how powerful a mentor can be [not personally, but through friends] and I want to be that to someone else.

• Witness sea turtles hatching and running for the ocean. 

         -If you don't know what I am talking about go watch 'The Last Song' or youtube it. I love turtles, this would be absolutely amazing. 

• Fall in love. 

         -The kind of love that is passionate and full of laughter. 

• Read the Harry Potter series. 

         -I feel like everyone that has read the Harry Potter books totally love them. I kind of feel like i'm missing out by not being apart of this 'group', hahaha. I know it's a little late, but I feel like if everyone loves them then i'm clearly missing out on something. 

• Change a life. 

         -Sounds cliche right? Well I want to do it. And no, not just like teaching someone something. But actually changing their life and providing them with a source of happiness. You know when people ask the question 'Who is the one person you admire/that has impacted you the most?' Well I want to be someone's answer. I want to impact someone's life in such a positive way that it's unbelievable. 

My list continues to grow, but this is what I have for now. 

xoxo Kaila

Chaotic Thoughts.

Thanksgiving Break is only 3 days away! I really cannot wait to be at home with my family! I miss my little nephews to pieces. Being away from them for longer than few weeks is always sad. What will I do when I move out, perhaps even across country?! I guess I can only focus on the now for the time being. Although this may sound silly, I am totally making it a goal to spend some quality time with my puppy each day over break [okay, she may be 8/9, but she will always be my puppy]. You know how whenever someone close to you has moved or passed away and you regret not spending as much time as you could of with them? Well, I really don't want to feel that way about her [although i'm sure no matter what I will feel like I haven't spent enough time with  her]. As lame as I may sound dogs completely amaze me. Chloe is always there with a wagging tail and a happy whimper when I walk through the door after being away a school. She is the cutest, and most importantly, the sweetest dog. My nephews can pinch her, poke her, sit on her, anything- and she just sits there at takes it like a champ. She would never even think of hurting them. When she gets tired of them she just gets up and moves to a different room. & she is still such a baby, she sucks on her dog bed like it is a pacifier [no joke]. Anyway... did I really just rant about my dog?

Well, back to the beginning, i'm very excited to be off school for an entire week. So much time, especially when I don't have any projects to work on for school :) It's a great feeling. What will I do with my time?
-spend time with my dog, clearly. haha
-spend time with my family
-see friends
-crafts! (I've stumbled upon a few cute things to make on Pinterest)
-shop (California is only 44 days away--some new outfits are a necessity!)
-cook (I really need to become more domestic, so I think I am going to make dinner for my family once or twice, my Mom deserves a break anyway)
-Oh! & my baby brother turns 18 on Monday! :) I really can't get over how old me and my siblings are all becoming. Now that we are all older and over the fighting stage [for the most part] we have some great times & laughs with each other, love them.

I would say I have a pretty solid week ahead of me.

And for a Hello, Again...Update [that's officially the name of my situation that is unfolding]
Although this becomes a little personal, I feel like I need to keep you guys updated since the story started here...
I of course, happened to run into Dan again [I really wish I would have given him a pseudonym, but too late for that].
Well, we were both on our way to the gym a few days after our last run in. And I noticed him a few feet ahead of me. I slowed down quite a bit to stay behind him, because honestly I was kind of trying to avoid him. He was walking extremely slow, so I was contemplating in my head whether to continue to walk at that pace or speed up to my normal pace and walk past him. As I was contemplating this he turned around and was all like 'Hey!', so we started talking. He called me out on not texting him back a few days before, oops. So anyway, as the conversation unfolded I was kind of standoffish, I really don't know why. So we get to the gym and we go our separate ways. Later that night it was really eating at me how I was kind of bitchy. So I texted him apologizing for my behavior. I literally continue to make this whole situation awkward. For the next few days I was thinking to myself that I was totally over analyzing him, and maybe I should just give our friendship a try. I just really am not looking for anything more with him. But, I know I over analyze everything, and I really do want new friends. I am all about diversity, and he would actually be my first black friend. This may sound ignorant of me, but I grew up in a pretty white neighborhood, and after attending school in California where I became friends with tons of Latino/a's I realized that I have never actually had a black friend [actually kind of sad/crazy]. I believe that having a diverse group of friends really makes you see the world differently. I know from experience that becoming very close with people of another culture really opens up your eyes, and erases a lot of the stereotypes. I think it is important to learn about other peoples cultures in order to grow personally.
So fast forward a few more days...and we are at yesterday!
Yesterday, me and Dana [one of my best friends] go to the library, around 7 pm. We go to the 4th floor of the library, and literally every table is occupied. We head down to the 3rd floor, find a table and as we are walking towards it I make eye contact with this guy sitting at a table. I thought maybe it was Dan, but I wasn't sure because he wasn't wearing his glasses, so I was uncertain. We sit at our table [which is only about 15 feet away], and I told Dana that I thought it might be him. We had made eye contact for quite a few more seconds than normal. So I got out my phone and texted him.

Me: Are you at the library?
Dan: Maybe.
Me: Are you on the 3rd floor?
Dan: Maybe...
Me: Are you wearing blue?
Dan: You are obviously stalking me.

hahaha. So after confirming that it was in fact him, I walked over and talked to him for a few minutes. It was a really chill conversation and I was thinking in my head like 'Hey Kaila, you guys can be friends!'. (**Seriously, what are the odds of running into this kid so often when I go to a school with 20,000+ students).

So today... I go to the gym and of course Dan is there too. At first I was all like Yay, my new friend!
Eventually we were both walking around the track, casually talking [before either of us had really started our workouts], *I am going to kind of just sum up this part of the story*, but he puts his arm around my waist, which made me feel completely uncomfortable. & it wasn't just a 2-second thing, it was more like 20-30 seconds (**which feels like an eternity when you feel uncomfortable). & of course moments before this I had agreed to hang out him this week. So anyway to get myself out of this situation I was like 'well, I really gotta go start my workout.' and he hugged me goodbye. I was going in for the whole one-arm, quick side hug, but of course he had other plans..
Anyway, from his behavior, it kind of was apparent that he might not just be looking for a friend.
This whole thing was terribly upsetting to me. As I walked downstairs to the treadmills, I had tears brimming in my eyes. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS PATHETIC. but I was so frustrated at myself for not telling him that I didn't feel comfortable with him touching me like that. I don't want him to think it's okay, but I didn't correct his behavior because I was just so focused on how uncomfortable I was in that moment- I couldn't even bring myself to say anything, if that makes sense. Not only am I super self-conscious but he doesn't even know me.
He literally has no clue who I am, he doesn't know that I have two nephews [who basically consume my whole heart], a dog, or that I spent a year in California. If you don't know any of those 3 things, than you really have no idea who I am because those three things have helped shape and define who I am. He doesn't even know my last name, and he even spells my first name Kayla. It's not that he doesn't show any interest in getting to know me, but our conversations are usually short, so we haven't really gotten deeper than the 'surface conversations'. Anyway, I guess it just upsets me because I'm at a point in my life where I want to get to know people, on a friend level, but really get to know them and learn about how they see the world. & i'm not trying to make him look like a bad person, because I really don't believe he is. I guess I just need to make it clear that right now I'm just about making friends.

So... I really wasn't planning on sharing all of this, but it was something I kind of needed to write about.

What to do, what to do....

xoxo Kaila

Hello, Again... (part two)

Remember Dan... the boy that I made myself sound so lame in front of on my walk home from class a few weeks ago? (If not go read 'Hello, Again... in my October posts!)

Well.. ran into him today.

So the story goes--
I was at the gym. I had just gotten there and had gone upstairs to the track. There are a few bikes, elliptical machines, and treadmills on each end of the track. I prefer going up there because there are less machines, meaning less people. I was planning on jumping on one of the bikes after a few walks around the track to loosen up a bit. I, of course, had my earphones in, listening to The Strokes Pandora Station which I had just created yesterday (if you do not have this Pandora station--your life is not complete). I had gotten about half way around the track when he comes up on my left side from behind me (yes this whole coming up out of no where seems to be his thing). I look over and my thought running through my head is *omg, it's him again. Kaila, don't make yourself sound as lame as last time, please.

I take out my earphones so I can hear him (also seems to be a recurrence).

Me: Hey!
Dan: Hey, how are you?
Me: I'm pretty good, sorry about our last conversation, I made myself sound kinda lame. Promise i'm not usually like that.
Dan: No, you're all good, don't even worry about it. ... What are you listening to?
Me: Actually, i'm listening to The Strokes station on Pandora, I just started listening to them Thursday, but I love them.
Dan: Never heard of them, let me see. (*He takes my earphones and puts one in his ear to listen.) not bad, pretty chill.

I then asked him what kind of music he listened to. We talked about music, the gym, and what we've been up to lately. He is seriously one of the nicest, easiest persons to conversate with. I could totally be best friends with him. Before we went our separate ways (for him to finish his workout, for me to start mine) he asked me for my number again.

Dan: I don't think I got your number.
Me: No, you totally did last time.
Dan: (*Looking through his phone for my number) I have a Kaila, but it's not you. What's your number again?

I proceed to give him my number, again. He did in fact have my number, he just had it under Kailyn or Kaitlin-something of that nature.

I still can't believe I ran into him again, and that he recognized me. I was looking a mess with my hair up, not showered, with my left over makeup on from yesterday. But i'm glad that I was able to hold a decent conversation without making myself sound stupid!

Hope you all have a good week-
xoxo, Kaila.

Disclaimer: No, I am not interested in him romantically. I'm not really at a point in my life where I am looking for anyone. I'm just really into meeting new people and learning about them. Here's to making new friends! :)

Notable November.

I seriously love November! It's made up of the perfect combination of excitement, family, holiday, & weather. Don't get me wrong I love December with Christmas and all, but November is wonderful too- you have a holiday, but you are also still looking forward to next months festivities. I love the excitement of looking forward to the holidays. Also, November is still fall, but it also has a bit of winter if you are lucky enough to get the first snowfall of the year towards the end!

This November my baby brother with be turning 18! My parents will officially have children that are all legal adults! Craaaazy. I seriously can't believe how grown up he is becoming. He'll be graduating in May, and has already received a few college acceptance letters. He has a (Mexican-yay!) girlfriend and she's totally adorable! A few weeks ago when my family from all over the country (Washington, California, Minnesota, etc.) were in town she came over and totally handled it like a champ! I remember when she walked into the house and everyone was hanging out in the kitchen, my brother ran upstairs to change out of his work clothes and left her stranded, surrounded by about 15 people she had never met before. She didn't even hesitate to introduce herself and strike up conversation. It was my first time meeting her as well, and I was impressed. I know I wouldn't have been able to seem so comfortable so fast, probably not even at this age! I'm really excited to see where my brother ends up going to school and what he ends up studying. I have a feeling he will love college!

Another thing to love about November is Thanksgiving Break! At ISU we get the whole week off of school,  it's kind of like a pre-winter break. Hopefully this year I will use it wisely and work on some papers that are due during finals, but we will see if that actually happens...


I hope everyone's November is starting off right. If not, a few cozy blankets and a cup of hot chocolate might do the trick! :)

Last but not least---my November monthly goals:

1. Practice meditating
2. Eat my veggies--daily!

We shall see how these go, wish me luck!

xoxo, Kaila

October Reflection.

Well it's the end of another month... unbelievable.

& with it being October that means Happy Halloween!

Something that I decided to start this month was setting monthly goals. I came up with the idea about a week into the month, so October was my trial run. I decided to set two goals for myself. I decided on two per month instead of one to give me a better chance at success. Just looking out for myself, haha. I figured if I only gave myself one goal and I didn't happen to complete it I would probably feel like I have failed. & I didn't want that to stop me from continuing on. Although I guess setting two goals could also set me up for more failure if I fail to complete either one. But anyway, I'm sure you get the picture!

My October Goals:

1. Use my planner, consistently! 

2. Work on being a better listener. 


Now, you might ask, was I successful?!

Use my planner, consistently!: 
Okay, maybe if I left out the 'consistently' I would be able to say I have successfully completed this one. Unfortunately, I did include consistently, and I sure have not used my planner consistently. BUT I do always take it to class with me and I open it about once a week, we can focus on the positives, right?! My problem is is that I will write in it about once a week, and I'll write down everything I should be doing or working on that week, but I never remember to go back and look at what I have written down and planned out. Maybe a few sticky notes around my room could help me with this! I will continue to work on this goal until it hopefully becomes consistent.


Work on being a better listener: 
I knew that I needed to work on being a better active listener. I have a problem of looking at my computer or phone when someone is telling me something. I promise I am still listening and 9 times out of 10 I can recite back what it is you were talking about. But I know that being a good listener you must actively demonstrate that you are listening and that the person talking has your full attention. Another problem I have when listening is I cut them off before they are done expressing their point. I'm not intentionally trying to be rude, it was just so habitual. I love talking, so I figured I needed to tell them how I had a similar experience or story before they were even done telling me their story.
This month, I made it a point to always look away from whatever it is I am doing in order to show the person that they do in fact have my full attention and I am genuinely interested in whatever it is that they want to discuss or talk about. I try to keep reminding myself that there is going to be time for me to talk after the other person is done talking. I realized that sometimes friends just need to vent, and even though you don't have the answers for them, a listener is all they are looking for.
Initially I didn't tell my friends what my goals were, and about halfway through I brought it up to a few people.
One of my roommates and one of my best friends told me that they had noticed that I was being a better listener and they meant to tell me---  SUCCESS! I was super excited to hear this!


I think it's important to make realistic goals in order to guide me in the direction of becoming a better person. We all have things that we can work on and improve on, and by setting goals we are able to begin accomplishing these things in a realistic, timely manner.
I am so glad that I decided to start doing this, and even though this was my first month, I am already learning more about myself by admitting and facing my faults.

I encourage others to do this, it's a great feeling when you are able to see a difference for the better in yourself!

Stay tuned for my November goals :)

xoxo Kaila

Hello, Again...

Wow, it's been over two weeks since I lasted posted! Time surely does fly because it definitely hasn't felt that long. These past two weeks have been good ones. I'm not sure anything major has happened, but I have been happy and have somewhat gotten more into the groove of school.

There was one thing that happened to me about a week and a half ago, I'll share the story because it basically sums up my life.

So it was a rainy Wednesday (October 17th) and I was walking back to my apartment after class. I was wearing jeans and a black hoodie, i had the hood up because it was drizzling a little. My earbuds were in my ears and I was listening to some Coldplay Radio on Pandora. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a boy who came up behind me and was now walking next to me. It only took me a few seconds to realize he was talking  to me. I took out one of my earbuds and this is how our conversation went:

Me: 'Sorry, what?'
Him: 'Oh, i was just saying I liked your outfit.' (*My first thought was that this is some kind of joke, because like I mentioned before i was wearing jeans and a black hoodie)
Me: '..........Thanks.' (*I did a quick glance backward to see if his friends were following us, because I was sure this had to be a joke.)
Him: 'I noticed the purple, i like it.' (*Okay--he won some cool points here, my favorite color is purple, and I was, in fact, wearing a purple shirt that was peeking out underneath my hoodie)

I smiled, and was about to put back in my earbud and be on my way when he asked me another question.

Him: 'So where are you headed?'
Me: 'Just back to my apartment.'
Him: 'Are you done with classes for the day?'
Me: 'Yeah, i just got out of my last class for the day. What about you?'
Him: 'I'm headed back to my apartment right now, but I have class all day, and then I have to go to the library for like 3 hours tonight to get some studying done. --I'm sorry what was your name?'
Me: 'I'm Kaila, and you?'
Him: Dan. (*Here he outstretched his hand for me to shake--i just looked at it for few seconds before saying--)
Me: 'No, that's weird.'
Dan: 'What?'
Me: 'Well if we were going to shake hands it should have been at the beginning of the conversation, not now. That's weird.' (*REALLY KAILA?? Why do you have to be so awkward...the poor kid is just trying to be courteous.)
Dan: 'What, do you think, i'm going to like shock you or something if you shake my hand?' (*this in fact was the first thing that had gone through my head!)
Me: 'Kind of..'

I eventually shook his hand, and he being the good sport he is, faked a shock when he shook my hand. This sounds lame, but it was funny, not sure how to explain it through text though. So hopefully your imagination works well. He continued making conversation with me, while most of my answers were awkward and short. I had no idea I was so horrible at conversating with someone completely random. Just wait though, the best is yet to come...

Dan: 'So what do you and your friends like doing for fun?'
Me: 'uhm... we just hang out.... and talk about how we hate everything...' (**OKAY, SERIOUSLY?! Way to make myself [and my friends] sound so lame... I quickly try resurrecting myself--) 'I mean, not really, just kidding, i don't know I guess we just hang out and talk..'
Dan: 'Uhm are you sure you're just kidding? Now looking at your black outfit i'm not sure you are.' (*He was saying this jokingly.. he really was great at conversation and trying to make it comfortable even when I was making it really awkward hahaha, bless his soul.)
Me: 'What do you and your friends do?'
Dan: 'We do a lot of different things, we go off campus to eat, for the most part we are pretty spontaneous, we just do whatever comes up.'
Me: 'Oh yeah, me and my friends are spontaneous too.... except nothing ever comes up for us...' (*LOL, i seriously think this was just the cherry on top of it all... I have no idea what I was thinking when I was saying these things.)

When we get to a point where we are both about to turn into different directions he asks me for my phone number.

Dan: 'If you give me your number I can give you some ideas on what you and your friends should do.' (yeah, he was slick like that).
Me: '630-999-xxxx. '
Dan: '999.. hmmm.'
Me: 'Yeah it's fake.'  (I did, in fact, give him my legitimate number, and yes it is 999, I guess I just figured I needed to make it more awkward with this comment.)
Dan: 'Sooo... should I just put your name as Rejection Hotline?'
Me: 'Yeah, probably.' (*Okayy Kaila--people don't understand that you are super sarcastic upon meeting you...Oops...)

I then turn to walk away, and over my shoulder say 'Have a Nice Day', to which he replied 'You Too'.

So basically to sum it all up, I am sooooo awkward!!!!! & the poor boy probably thinks that I hated him and that I gave him a phony number. When in reality he was so nice and pretty hilarious too.

If I ever run into this Dan character again, I promise to say sorry, and hopefully start all over.

Oh, my life.....

The Countdown Begins...

After the past week or two I feel like I can finally breathe! & what a good feeling that is...

I definitely do have a love-hate relationship with school. & unfortunately me and school have been on that hate side lately. BUT, i'm done with papers and tests for a whole week before i have to start worrying about them again. Oh the life of a college student. Or should i say a procrastinating college student. *

I know i haven't written in over a week, and my last blog was a bit on the downside, but this week i have some pretty great news that have lifted my spirits!
Drum roll please...


I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA!
In 76 short days i'll be riding bikes on the beach, eating In'N'Out and mango raspados, listening to Latino 96.3, walking underneath the palm trees, breathing in the salty ocean air, driving (or getting stuck in traffic) on the 405, speaking Spanglish, and most importantly doing all of these things with some of my favorite people!

& the best part is i'll be there for 15 days! (Last year i learned the hard way that one week is not enough--i'm sure 2 weeks won't be either, but hey at least it's a little better.)

I'm kind of a sucker for bucket lists, sooo one of my very best friends, Daisy, and I have decided to come up with a sort of 'Winter Break Bucket List'. Some of the items are pretty good if i do say so myself.
Here are a few examples:
-Riding bikes on the beach (yes, we did this last year when i was there over Thanksgiving, but this has to be on the list, it's a must!)
-Obviously PARTY! Now, that i'm officially part of the 21 Club !
-Find two boys, and go on a double date.
-Hike to the Hollywood sign (or at least as close as you can get to it).
-Go to Tarranea- i have no idea where this is, but Daisy said we definitely need to go, so i'm down.
-Watch a sunset and sunrise on the beach.

And we are still working on adding things...so clearly I'm going to be having a good time, as usual!

I seriously can't wait. I can't wait to see all of my friends.  I can't wait to see some of my friends families who i consider my own. California just really is love for me. The views, the people, the laughs, the memories.

Buying my ticket really couldn't have happened at a better time either, i really needed something to look forward to and something to motivate me to get through the rest of the semester. Now I have so much to look forward to!

See you soon LA, xoxo Kaila

Incomplete.

Two weeks ago I thought I was having the worst week, but it doesn't seem like it has really let up yet.

Of course I really wasn't having 'the worst week ever', there were just a few more bumps in the road than usual for such a short period of time. Although I've definitely laughed, smiled, and been happy in the past two weeks, I still feel like I am in somewhat of a slump. I try to remember that I have it good compared to many others, but we all know that when we are having a bad day, we think we're the only one having a bad day. 

This is going to be somewhat of a rant, venting, i don't really even know. Read it or don't read it, your choice. Fair Warning. 

I guess what my real problem right now is that I'm not totally happy. It might not make sense, sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me-because I know that I do have a lot to be happy about. But when it comes down to it, i'm not. I feel like there's something missing. Maybe its a job? Enjoyable classes? Friends? A Boyfriend? My location? ...Probably a mix of all the above. 

I think I'm just really ready to be done with school, I'm ready to move to a new place, a city, somewhere. I'm excited to get a job and make a life for myself. My classes right now are boring, and annoying to sit through and deal with. I shouldn't complain about this, because I know I could have it worse, but I am complaining. I'm really just sick of school, I'm sick of being stuck in central Illinois. I need more diversity, I need new opportunities and experiences. 

On to the friends. I obviously have friends, and they are amazing. I wouldn't replace them for anything. When it comes to this topic it's harder to explain, but you know how people go to college and that's where they meet their bridesmaids (and husband if they're lucky)?! Well freshman year I came to college, and me and 3 other girls from my hometown were 4 peas in a pod. I didn't know 2 of them in high school, so even though we came from the same town they were still my new college BFFL's. We had a great year, so many memories and laughs. It was great. 

Sophomore year--the four of us went down separate paths, mine being going to California for the year. I had the best experience of my life. I learned so many things. I experienced true bliss, happiness, laughter, tears, loneliness, sadness, a broken heart. Literally the whole spectrum of emotions in a short year. I wouldn't trade my experience for the world. I made so many new friends that truly cared about me and that I had tons of fun with. I even met two of my best friends, who are quite irreplaceable. 

When I came back from California my ISU friends hadn't just paused their lives for a year, theirs continued to go on too. So coming back to my friends having tons of new friends that I had never met before was kind of hard to adjust to. I had made tons of friends too, mine were just unfortunately all back in Southern California. Since coming back last year I haven't felt like I have completely found my place at ISU again. I know a majority of this is because I continue to long for California and miss my friends there. Either way, I am ready to leave this town behind me and either return to California, or venture out to somewhere new. 

Boyfriend? Of course every girl wants one of those. Who wouldn't want someone to hang out with or talk to or cuddle with whenever they wanted? After a couple of years of having someone there, even though it was somewhat of a long distance relationship it's hard to go back to being on your own. I was so used to talking to him until I fell asleep at night, he made me feel completely comfortable whenever we were together, and he made me happy. Of course he also made me cry, hurt, and angry--but when it was good, it was good. Or at least I thought so. I had never cared so much about someone else in my entire life until him. We started off as friends, and to this day continue to be. We met under special circumstances that allowed us to become best friends and be there for each other. Eventually I began to see him as more of a friend, and maybe that's how he saw me too. I was young and naive and got upset and jealous a lot, but like I said- I was young. We were both there for each other through a variety of situations and life events. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I learned more than I could have ever imagined throughout the whole experience. I learned that no matter how much you care about someone or how much you enjoy their presence, it doesn't mean that they will feel the same way about you. Which is okay, life is all about learning, right? The one song that reminds me of our situation now, is Adele's 'Someone Like You'. I'd never want anything but happiness for him. & He will continue to have a really special piece of my heart--i'll continue to be there for him, as he is for me, and in the end no one will be able to take his place. After all, there's only one of him, and he's pretty special.

I know that I will find happiness, I will continue to laugh and smile. I guess what is hard is not feeling complete right now. I know i'm surrounded by people who love me, and I love them for always being by my side through it all. I know I cry a lot, a lot more than I used to, but it's okay, because one day I'll be able to understand why. Everyone is going through their own battles, everyone just responds to them differently. For now I have to just realize that I am blessed with a good education, good friends, a great family, and a bright future. 

Life is just one big puzzle, I'll eventually begin finding the right pieces that fit together perfectly and i'll be on my way to creating one beautiful picture. 

xoxo, Kaila 

Music.

Years ago I never understood when people would say things like 'i would die without music' or 'music is so powerful'. Don't get me wrong, I always have liked music and enjoyed listening to it, but I never felt like a had the same connection to music that many others seemed to possess.

Now, many years later, you can probably catch me saying those things. I'm not sure when it exactly happened, but I have grown to absolutely love music. The beauty of music is that there are so many different songs, artists, and genres. Depending on the day or your mood you can choose which type of music you feel like listening to. Or music can even change your mood. Ever having a bad morning, but then your favorite song comes on the radio making you smile? It can even work in the reverse, like when a song comes on that reminds you of that one person that broke your heart, and it automatically puts you in a somber mood. Although, when this happens to me i try to avert the crisis by switching the station as fast as possible. :)

I guess what I am trying to say, is that in recent years I have discovered how powerful music truly is. When I moved to Southern California for my sophomore year of college (2010-2011), I never knew just how much my life would be impacted. I obviously figured that I would meet new people, see new things, and partake in an experience that many others don't. I never thought that I would discover a whole other language  of music. I joined a group called Hermanas Unidas, and became friends with a bunch of amazing Latinas. Since i was always around them I became pretty immersed in their culture. Their culture being one that cherishes music and dance. I learned the words to multiple Spanish songs (at least i like to believe i'm singing them right) and grew to love Latino 96.3 haha :)

When I had to return to Illinois (unfortunately), not only was I able to take the pictures and memories with me, I also got to take the music. Whenever I'm feeling nostalgic I turn on my Prince Royce or Wisin Y Yandel pandora stations, and I realize how happy I am that I was given the opportunity to not only meet so many wonderful people, but also to be introduced to a whole other genre of music that I would normally just skip past if I were scanning the radio.

There are plenty of reasons to love music. I love it when a song comes on that reminds me of a good memory, or a particular friend. I love hearing songs that were popular when I was young. Or hearing the music that I used to hear blasting from my older sisters room. I love music for having the power to bring back certain memories and feelings. I love how songs can alter your entire day, or capture the mood you are in. Music is great, i'd die without it. ;)

While I'm at it, let me introduce you to a few of my Pandora Stations!

Today's Hits--yes, I love listening to popular radio, so having a 'Top 40's' type station is a must.

Third Eye Blind--my favorite station, absolutely love Third Eye Blind, Matchbox Twenty, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the similar.

3LW--this one's for the junior high days when Ja Rule was the business!

and lastly;
Lullabye-- I downloaded this one over the summer when I was trying to get my one and a half year old nephew to fall asleep (it was successful), but I must admit, I now fall asleep to this station nightly.


Bye-Bye-Bye, 
Kaila xoxo

Thankful.

Earlier today I went to my old roommates apartment for a potluck. There was somewhere between 15-20 people there. The food was delicious and the company was great. Once everyone had eaten we were all hanging out in the living room talking, laughing, and just genuinely enjoying each others presence. We happened to be assembled in a circle around the room when someone came up with the idea of going around and saying what it is that we are thankful for. Sounds a little like Thanksgiving, huh? As people started answering the question there were a lot of 'my friends/you guys' answers and of course jokes from the boys. The majority of the people at this get together are pretty close with each other. I, on the other hand, am close with a few, but for the most part the rest were acquaintances that I only see when we happen to be invited to the same gatherings, much like this one. Once the question had made its way to me I knew what I wanted to say, but felt like I shouldn't. Not because they would judge me, but I was one of the last ones to go so I had put more thought into it and it wasn't the mushy answer of 'you guys!'. When my old roommate looked at me and told me it was my turn, I didn't want to go into my explanation of what I really was thankful for, so I just looked at her, smiled and said 'you, of course.' So yes, I did end up just saying a cheesy answer, much like the rest of the room.

Want to know what I was really thinking? 

I was thinking how thankful I am for the life I have been given. Growing up I never was left needing anything. My parents provided me and my siblings with everything we needed and much of what we wanted too. I'm thankful that I never had to worry about when I was going to be able to eat again, if I was going to have a warm bed to sleep in, or if I was going to have clean clothes to wear. Everyday I had access to these things, not to mention the various pairs of shoes, cable television, my own bedroom, etc. that I also was blessed to have. Because of my parents hard work and dedication to their children, I have been given opportunities and experiences that plenty of children don't get. I have been on countless airplane rides to exciting places, when I turned sixteen I had a car to drive, and every year there has always been an abundance of presents under the Christmas tree. 

Not only am I thankful for these materialistic things, I am also thankful for the support and love that surrounds me on a daily basis. My parents have always been supportive of the paths I have chosen to go down throughout my journey of life. And trust me, my parents aren't the only supportive people I have in my life. I have these amazing people that I call my friends too. No matter how many times I have vented about the same problem, situation, or event, they continue to listen, even when they know it's probably not going to be the last time they hear about it. I don't think that I will ever be able to repay them for that, they are some pretty wonderful people. Just knowing that there are multiple people that care about me every single day is enough to make me push forward in the struggles of everyday life. 

So what am I thankful for? 

-for being given a fruitful life

-for having the love and support of those around me

Of course there are some many other things to be thankful for, like the company of those around me earlier. But what most people forget about is the fact that they are lucky enough to wake up to their alarm clock every morning. Because having an alarm clock means that you are privileged enough to have electricity in your house/apartment. It's these things that we take for granted so often. We forget that there millions of people around the world that aren't certain if they are going to be able to eat that day, or if they are going to be able to find clean water, or if their electricity is still going to turn on because they couldn't scrape together enough money to pay the bill this month. 

So the next time you are having a bad day, just remember that you are lucky enough to have access to the internet, where you can find some pretty funny youtube videos to brighten up your day  :)

Be Grateful- Kaila; xoxo

Getting Started.

I've wanted to blog for a couple years now, but never got around to starting one. Now that I have finally set one up I am a little nervous! I'm not particularly sure on what it is that I will end up writing about, but I have a feeling it will be a little bit of everything. I wanted somewhere where I could write and later reflect. I don't even know if anyone else will read my posts, but either way I am excited to get started. I feel as if my mind will become less clustered and chaotic if I am able to write down what it is that I am thinking or feeling. I hope that this blog not only allows me to write down my thoughts but that it also allows me to learn more about myself through the process. I hope it doesn't disappoint! xoxo-Kaila