April. I've never really liked the month honestly. Cloudy. Rainy. But April showers are supposed to bring May flowers, right?
April, April, April.
This April I experienced a surge of problems all at once. I felt that life wasn't just picking a battle with me; it had started a full-fledged war with me. The cards just simply weren't being dealt in my favor. Relationship gone wrong, unemployment depression, second guessing if my decision to move across the country was the right one...
When things started getting tough I decided to add some fuel to the already blazing fire. I revisited a piece of my past that I had kept safely tucked away for over two and a half years. A boy, of course. I figured what the heck no better time than now to face the past. I had always had this hunch that he would be married and have a child by now. I thought the news would devastate me, which is part of the reason why I steered clear for so long. Long story short, he does have a child and although he's not married yet, he may as well be. I remember thinking that once this feeling in my gut was confirmed it would shatter me.
But guess what? It didn't.
Don't get my wrong, I cried. I cried from the combination of everything going on and the different emotions I was having to work through. I can't deny that. But I had always been worried that once I truly realized what his news meant it would feel like I was run over by a bus or hit by a train.
But what it actually did was show me how much I have grown and healed over the years. I didn't give myself enough credit. I'm not trying to boast, but let me tell you I am damn proud of how far I have come.
Don't get me wrong, I miss the connection we used to have. All those years ago, if I could have put the romantic feelings aside we would have been an unstoppable team, when it came to friendship we were the perfect pairing. But life had other plans for us... other lessons to teach us.
The past 2.5 years weren't spent sulking around, waiting for him to show up (although maybe this was always in the back of my mind). No, I had finally decided that I needed to get on with my life and give up that unrealistic love story I had played over and over in my head for so long (damn you, first love). I moved on, was okay with being single, and when I least expected it (so cliche, but so true) someone else came into my life. Spoiler alert: It was only temporarily. Anyway, I guess without realizing it at the time, time and people were healing me.
I'm not resentful. I could never hate him even if I wanted to. I'm proud of his accomplishments and I can honestly say that I am happy for him. I am happy that he has built a life that he enjoys and can be proud of, and that he is at a good place in his life. No hard feelings... ever. First loves are just tricky little things. I will continue to care about him and hope that he is doing okay, I just have to care from a distance. At the end of the day, it is me that I have to continue to protect and care about first and foremost.
I have been blessed with so many wonderful people in my life that have shown me love and support through every bad day and heartache; of course they were there again for me this time around.
In April I faced situations that I never knew I had the strength of getting through. Situations I never knew I had already gotten through.
I am thankful for the new relationships and the old relationships, for the things I have learned by being unemployed, for new living environments and for all the lessons that life continues to teach me through these different situations. I'm thankful for the strength and ability to face both the past and the present, knowing that I will make it out ever stronger and more knowledgeable.
But I would be lying if I said I wasn't glad that April is over. & let me tell you... May was full of those figurative flowers! After all, it can only rain for so long :)
xo. Kaila
[[Edit: I ran across this article on Thought Catalog (<--click me) and connected with it so deeply. I felt this way consistently for so long. I still have these thoughts/emotions every now and again and it's comforting to know that I am not alone, and have never been, in experiencing these feelings.]]
