Through the Rearview Mirror {2013}

As I sit here sipping on my Welch's Sparkling Grape Juice (if you know me then you know this is one of my favorite things), I can't help but think about how 2014 is a mere 3 days away. It's funny how we always say how fast time flies; before we even realize it another year has come and gone. We have seen the snow melt, the flowers bloom, the leaves fall, and the holidays pass yet again. I wouldn't argue against the idea that time flies, but as I sit here and reflect on the past 362 days I am also amazed by the degree in which things have changed and the amount of things that have happened since this day last year.
As I really got to thinking, I decided maybe I should do my own recap of year 2013 and take the time to reflect on all that has occurred in these short (yet long) twelve months.

January-
What better place to ring in the new year than in sunny California? I got to watch the clock strike midnight with some of my favorite West Coasters-- it really was a great way to start off 2013. We started the night at a small house party in San Pedro and soon after midnight we moved to a huge house party about a block away. We didn't know anyone at the party we crashed or even who the house belonged to but there was people of all ages covering both the backyard and the entire first floor of the house. Looking back on it, it kind of reminds me of something you'd see in a movie or music video.
For the next two weeks I got to take in so many sites around Southern California.

Terranea Beach. 

Where we hiked alongside the ocean and took in the most gorgeous views. 

Los Angeles County Museum of Art (LACMA).

Las Vegas, Nevada. 

Yes, I even got to take a roadtrip to Vegas for a weekend with these gorgeous girls! 

Manhattan Beach, California. 

This became one of my favorite beaches in SoCal. I am so glad that one of my best friends decided to take me here to show me around. The town is all on a hill right of the ocean, such a cute place, and the ocean is absolutely beautiful- per usual. We went on such a gorgeous day that it was impossible to not fall in love with this place. We walked to the end of the pier were a group of surfers were surfing very close by. It was amazing to be able to see them so close! Of course I took plenty of videos and pictures. 

There were so many other places I got to experience for the first time, such as downtown Long Beach, the light and water show in San Pedro, John's Incredible Pizza, etc. This California trip was one of my favorite and best vacations yet! But, of course with the company I had how could it not be?!

Shortly after my return from LA I started my Spring semester.

February-

 At the beginning of the semester I thought that I had 2 more semesters to go, with an expected graduation date of December '13. Much to my surprise, after a visit to my advisor and some research done on my part I found out that with a little hard work and some summer classes I could finish up my credits and graduate in August! I was ecstatic about this because I really did not want to have to return to Bloomington-Normal in the fall. For the next few months I tried figuring out whether I would take summer classes at ISU or if I could take classes at the local community college. I eventually went with taking them at the community college which saved me a lot of money and probably quite a few headaches. Anyway, back to February... in order to be able to graduate in August I would first need to successfully complete my Senior Experience class, which in short was a research course that involved a lot of research (imagine that), writing, stress, fear, and a few tears. At the beginning of the course I was terrified that I wasn't going to pass and that I would, in fact, have to return in the fall in order to retake this course to complete my degree. 

March & April-

Consisted of me continuing to worry about passing all of my required classes, although as time moved forward I became less concerned when I saw the lack of effort that the majority of my classmates were putting into their final projects. As the end of April approached I was certain that I was going to pass all of my classes-with decent grades at that. 

May-

All of my classes had wrapped up by the 8th and I was scheduled to walk across the stage and receive my fake diploma on the 10th (I wasn't officially going to be graduated until August but was still walking in the graduation ceremony). In my head I had this big idea of what graduation was supposed to be- you know, some life changing event. Maybe as you walk across the stage you transform into a new being, much like how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. Unfortunately, there was no glitter falling from the sky or wings growing from under my gown. I was the same person walking back to my seat as I was climbing up the stairs to shake the University President's hand. Maybe it was because it was a rainy, dreary day, unfit for outdoor pictures, or maybe it was the fact that the car was packed with all my belongings ready for me and my parents to hit the road right after. I guess I was just expecting something inside of me to click, to go off, some new feeling to take over my body and when it didn't I wasn't sure how to feel. 

I came home that Friday night, and found out Saturday morning that my Grandpa had been diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer earlier that week. 

Then, I started my internship on Monday at Big Brothers Big Sisters. --which would end up being such an eye opening experience for me! 

My grandparents made the cross country trip from Arizona to spend two weeks back in the Midwest. I am so glad that they decided to go through with their travel plans after finding out that my grandpa was sick because those two weeks were filled with family, love, and both new and old memories. 

I also attending my first Chicago Cubs game in May! Cross that one of the bucket list! (I had attend a Chicago Cubs, Bulls, and Bears game on my BL)

June, July, & August-

As June began so did my two online classes. The courses were easy and quick, so nothing to complain about there. :) June also was the month that my brother got to receive a diploma as well! & my parents threw him his high school graduation party a couple weeks later. Family from all over the country came in for it (Seattle, California, Minnesota), so again I had a lot of fun with family! 

In July I got to go to my second Chicago Cubs game with my Uncle and two siblings. This time we were treated to a suite! I felt like a celebrity or something... it was amazing! 

In early/mid August I wrapped up my online classes and internship. My internship taught me that I definitely wanted my career to focus on helping people and being in constant communication with others. After the classes and internship ended I went to working 5 days a week at Chicago Title as the receptionist while I waited to see what I would do next.. 

September, October, November, December- 

I actually still work at Chicago Title... it was supposed to be a temporary summer job, and still kind of is, it just lasted longer than I had originally thought it would. I am so glad and very grateful that they still are able to give me hours, because the money definitely helps! 

On Veterans Day (Nov. 11th) I went to my very first Chicago Bulls game! (Check that off too!!!) I was so excited, and it lived up to everything I had imagined! I am in love with the United Center and hope that I can make it back one day soon. :) 

This year the holidays (that are now coming to an end) were some of my favorites yet! 

Looking  back on this last year I have been able to scratch off multiple bucket list items and experience things I never would have thought. It gives me so much hope for the next year and all that it has to offer. I cannot wait to see what I will do, where I will go, and who I will become over the next 365 days. 

Happy New Year to you and yours, 

xo-kaila

New Year, New You?

I know I am not the only one that is amazed at the fact that yet another year is wrapping itself up in a few weeks. I would say that I just can't believe it, but in reality I know that time is precious and it passes by quickly whether we want it to or not.
People always use idea of the new year as a 'fresh start'. Whether their goals are to go the gym more frequently, study harder, be nicer, limit spending, or one of the other many other options--they all share the commonality that they will somehow better themselves/their lives in one way or another.
Some people have the motivation and dedication that allows them to stick to their New Year Plan, while some people go strong for a few weeks, and others never make it past the drawing board.
A few days ago I was reading through a questionnaire and I came across the question:

'If you could be anyone, who would you be?'
After thinking about it the answer I came up with was 'A better version of myself.'

Of course we could say that we want to be Bill Gates or Rihanna, but when you really think about it why would you want to be something/someone that you're not. Although I absolutely love Rihanna, I am not her and she is not me, and it's that way for a reason. So as long as I have to be Kaila, I want to be the best version of Kaila that I can be.
Obviously, this is much easier said than done. I can say that I am going to try to use a more cheerful tone of voice when answering  the phone, or that I am going to be more positive about what is going on in my life. But as we all know it is really hard to break habits, and our personalities are made up of habits.
For instance, loud talkers are so used to talking loud that they often don't even realize that they are talking at such a high volume. Talking loud is second nature to them (yes, I have been told I am a loud talker...). When you have been living with your habits for so long it is hard to break them or create new ones, which is often why people don't stick to their new years resolutions. It is just so easy to go back to the old way of doing things, and many times people slip back into the old way of doing things before they even realize it.
Regardless, I think setting goals is a great idea. Remember last year when I used to set monthly goals and blog about them and then reflect on them at the end of the month? Those were fun.. I should get back to that. Especially since I know there is so much to improve on. There is always room for improvement! That's one of the many great things about life. No matter what there is always something to work towards or to become better at.

So I guess I will set some goals for myself for this new year, new chapter, 'fresh start'...

My first goal is to become more involved in community service. Right now I am a volunteer at PADS..which I wrote about in my last blog 'Involve Yourself'. Since graduatin with a degree in Sociology and interning at a non-profit organization I have realized how important it is to give back to your community. I know that I have the time to give back to those in need, I just need to find a couple more organizations that I want to invest my time and heart into (& trust me..there are plenty of organizations to choose from!).

My second goal is to build stronger bonds with people I see regularly. Right now I work as a receptionist at a title company. Often times, the same attorneys and clients come in and out of the office each week. The ones that I see most frequently I converse with without a problem. But, there are others that I also see pretty regularly yet we don't seem to approach each other on a first name basis...when really we should. Of course sometimes there isn't time to sit and chat but I think it is important to connect with people on a deeper level than just the 'Good Morning' & 'Have a nice day' basis, especially when you see them so often. So whether it be the joyful mailman, the tired UPS guy, or a stressed out attorney--I am going to try my best to learn a little bit more about them and perhaps become a more familiar smile when they walk through the door.

My third (& last one--for now) goal is to count my blessings. It's easy for us to forget how blessed we are when we are angry at the slow driver in front of us or we are stressed out about finances. My plan for this new year is to remind myself of the good. When something is going wrong or I am sad or upset about something for longer than necessary, I am going to try to remind myself that I have so many things to be happy about. In order to do this I am going to start writing down the things I am thankful for (you know--kind of like when your newsfeed gets flooded with 'Im thankful for...' during the month of November?! No worries, I will keep it off of your timeline and in my journal--with maybe a few appearances in my blog, haha).

I am going to try my best to transform these three goals into habits during 2014. I can't promise that I will succeed, but I am going to try. These are only a few small goals, & there is of course much more that I hope to accomplish in 2014...but I am going to save that for a future blog post.

Take some time to think about your own goals and what you want to change about your habits.

Here's to hoping I make it past the drawing board,
xoxox- Kaila

Involve Yourself

Volunteering is one of the most amazing experiences. Not only is it eye opening, you are also guaranteed to meet some of the nicest people there are.
I have recently joined a non-profit organization, Public Action to Provide Shelter (PADS). PADS is a program that provides the homeless with a warm meal and a place to sleep from October- April each year. There are seven different PADS sites around the county, each one assigned to a different night of the week. So for instance, site #1 provides shelter on Monday nights, site #2-Tuesday nights, and so on. I had read about this program in the spring when they were wrapping up for the season and I kept my eyes open (in the local newspaper) for information this fall when I knew it would be starting back up again. I attended the informational meeting and knew it was definitely something I wanted to be apart of.
There are different shifts and weeks that volunteers sign up for. As a volunteer you work one shift a month, with the shifts being about 5 hours long, give or take. Which if you ask me, giving up 5 hours a month to give someone that doesn't have a home a warm place to sleep is the least I could do. So that is exactly what I did yesterday morning. I worked the morning shift which goes from 2:45am to about 7:30am. When I arrived at 2:45am all of our guests were fast asleep, snoring away. The other volunteers on my shift were an older married couple. As we sat in the hallway outside of the designated sleeping areas we got to talking (or should I say whispering). They asked me where I went to school, what I got my degree in, what I wanted to do, what I was currently doing, etc. You know, the normal questions that everyone asks a newly graduated person. 
The women then got to telling me that they just recently got a new family ministry leader at the church (fyi- all of the PADS sites are churches). She explained that they needed someone to help out with the youth and they would love to have me if I were interested in gaining that type of experience. She also told me that next month she would bring me a social work magazine that she gets in the mail.
Before I go on, I guess I should clarify that I graduated with a degree in Sociology and I want to work in the social services, for you that do not know. 
Then, the pastor showed up at about 5am to help us with 6am wake-up, breakfast, and the closing down of the PADS site for the day. He also asked me the questions I have listed above and then told me to look into the County's Health Department for a job, as he had served on the Board for many years up until last year. He said to use him as a reference and he would be more than willing to write any recommendation for me. This was all within ten minutes of meeting me. How are these people so nice and willing to lend assistance without even being asked? The generosity of some people is amazing.

Now, back to the homeless. First off, being homeless means just that, home-less. It does not necessarily mean these people are begging for change or holding up signs. Some have cars, bicycles, a variety of clothing, etc while others may not. Many people assume that a homeless person is homeless because of their own bad decisions, a drug and/or alcohol addiction, something along those lines. Which i'm sure is very true for many cases. But not all. Some people end up homeless due to bad luck and misfortune, and others have been rejected by the ones that should love them. Just because someone is homeless does not mean they are irresponsible, it does not mean that they are bad people or lazy or that they don't care. For instance, on my shift, one of the guests had an early wake up call request. Why? because she had work.
Some of these people are living out of their car, some without even that. Some may not have a permanent place of residence because they have left an abusive partner or can no longer make the rent payment due to their work hours being cut.
Now, I don't know why exactly each of our guests are there, but I know it could be any one of these reasons. We are often quick to jump to conclusions, but there is far more than what is presented to us visually. Think about how easily it would be for one of us to end up homeless if it wasn't for our families?

--It is important to recognize and count your blessings. Take the time to realize and enjoy them. Write them down. Share them with others. & then, make your actions someone else's blessing.--

As each of us have heard plenty of times before, we take things for granted much too often. By becoming involved in your community and helping out when & where you can, you start to gain a better perspective on not only other people's lives but your own as well. We fall into routine much too easily and forget how easy it is to extend a helping hand.

The best thing you can give someone is your time &if you say you don't have any to spare, stop lying to yourself. Whether it be taking your elderly neighbor's dog for a walk a couple times a week or simply visiting with them over a cup of coffee, you have the power to make a positive impact on other people's lives. Opportunities surround you, all you have to do is open your eyes a little wider and take notice.

xox- k

Back Into My Brain

Blogging crosses my mind all the time, but it doesn't seem to actually happen very often (as you guys can see). There are numerous times throughout the week that I think 'oh, i want to blog about that!' but I am usually at work and by the time I get home I forget where I was going with the idea or I don't feel like dragging out my laptop. & if you have had the pleasure of getting to know my laptop you know that it is soon to celebrate it's fifth birthday, it's a hefty little thing, it can be loud in a quiet room, and it gives third degree burns after 20 minutes of sitting on your lap. Nonetheless, I still appreciate the fact that it continues to turn on (sometimes with a little coaxing) for me after so many years (hey, 5 is practically ancient in laptop years).

So, even with those plausible excuses I vow to do my best to get back into the habit of blogging more. Whenever I do sit down to blog it is really relaxing and I enjoy doing it. It's a cheap kind of therapy for me (shopping only gets me so far with my budget these days).

Today's blog is going to be like my previous blog 'Inside My Head'. If you haven't read it, that blog post contained a variety of little thoughts that I had over the course of a day or two. Again, if you know me, you know the wheels in my head are constantly turning.

Here's another look inside my head,

• Orchids. I also told myself that I would marry the first guy that bought me an orchid, no questions asked. If they showed up with an orchid, I would be down on one knee without a doubt (If you have seen The Perfect Man with Hilary Duff, then you would understand... if not, go watch it). Anyway, after waiting years for some guy to show up on my doorstep with orchid in hand, I decided if I wanted an orchid, I would just have to go get myself an orchid. So about two weeks ago, I drove myself to Home Depot and picked out the prettiest orchid they had. It now sits on my end table in my room looking absolutely perfect.. I love it. Lets be honest, if you wait around for the perfect man to arrive, orchid and all, you'll be waiting around forever, because those don't exist...am i right, ladies?! ;) hahaha, don't worry I still have a tiny bit of hope (thank you, Disney).  Just remember, at the end of the day, the one person you can always count on is yourself. 
• Last names. Okay, I might have written about this one before, I'm not one hundred percent sure. But, there is something about hyphenated last names that just really really really really really gets to me. I just don't get them. I am beyond thankful that I do not have a hyphenated last name because I just wouldn't be able to handle it. If I get married, then I'll change my last name to match my husbands. I understand that I will always be a Kovac, even if my drivers license doesn't say so. I do not need my last name tagged onto my new one with a little - in between. No thank you, not my cup of tea. & I will not hyphenate my children's last name. If you happen to have a hyphenated last name, I hope that you do not take offense to this small rant. Hyphenated names are just not on my to-do list. 
• Speaking of to-do lists... I have been writing to-do lists like none other lately. I write down the smallest things to the biggest things, pointless things to important things, ordinary things to random things. I feel more put to together if I have it written down somewhere that I can refer back to. It also makes me feel way more productive and purposeful. I am able to track the progress that I am making, even if it is the smallest step forward (like putting my shoes away). Plus, who doesn't love scribbling out items on their list as they go about their day? 
• I think I have acquired organizational OCD since I have moved back home from school. I am constantly going through drawers, closets, boxes, clothes, etc. Even when I have cleaned and organized a part of my room a week earlier, I feel like I need to go through it again and reevaluate the situation. I'm not sure when I became such a minimalist but even having one pair of earrings sitting on my dresser makes me uneasy. Who am I? I don't know, but i'm not complaining about this new development. 
• Mail. Snail mail. USPS. You know, the type of mail that is handwritten and sealed in an envelope and put in a mailbox to eventually arrive at it's new destination days later? Everyone loves getting cards or letters in the mail. Well, at least I do. Becoming active again in Soldiers' Angels has made me appreciate mail once again [for those of you who don't know what Soldiers' Angels is, it's an organization that allows people to support our troops by signing up to be penpals, a soldier's 'angel'(penpal & sending care packages), along with a variety of other options. I am currently on the letter writing team-I get one name every Wednesday that I send a card to-, as well as having an ePal -penpal, via e-mails]. I love sending out my weekly card in the mail. I love the idea of the whole mail system. I like how someone writes something on a piece of paper/card, and then it leaves their house and arrives at yours... maybe i'm not explaining it right, but the simplest ideas amaze me the most. Anyway, I have been frequenting the card section in stores lately, and have been picking up cards that are too cute to pass up or remind me of someone in particular. Hopefully it puts a smile on their face when they receive it just as easily as it puts one on mine when I send it. 

More daily thoughts to come soon, sorry for the shorter list this time around, my mind is only allowing me think about how I have a stack of cards I need to send off soon, hahaha... 

xoxo-kaila. 

MIA

I haven't written lately (as you can see). It's not that I haven't thought about it, because trust me- I have. It's just that I haven't really had much to say, or maybe not sure how to say it, nor have I had the energy to lug out my laptop (if you've seen my poor laptop you know what I mean).
It's not that nothing has been going on lately, because a lot has been going on. It's more that I don't really know what to say about my life lately. Don't take this the wrong way and read it as a depressing post, that is not what I am trying to portray. I just have been a little stressed and frazzled that I do not know what to feel or what to do. I feel like I am kind of living in a fog right now. There is a lot of uncertainty. Again, this is not necessarily a completely bad thing. I'm still young, i'm not supposed to know all the answers anyway, right?!
Remember a few posts ago when I was dead set on moving to the west coast? Well, reality hit. I'm living paycheck to paycheck it seems, with no chance to save much money. I am not totally writing California off, but maybe just putting a delay on it. Chasing your dreams is important, but making sure you are being responsible and making smart decisions is also important. I try being very responsible with my money, and I would not feel comfortable moving across country at this time.
As for grad school-- I am kind of in a standstill with this one. When choosing programs to apply to I feel that you have to be specific and know what you want to get into. I still am really uncertain with what I want to do, so I feel like applying for grad schools wouldn't be a smart choice at this point. I don't want to apply to a program that I am not passionate about. I don't want to apply just to apply. I think it would smart of me to get more experience out in the field before choosing whether or not I want to spend the money to further my education in a specific area of study.

Anyway, I apologize for this being a fairly boring post. I hope that I can write something more appealing soon. :)

Until then,
xoxo kaila

The Good.

I have been done with school for a whole week now & this past week has been filled with...well... a lot of people asking me what's next. uhmm... LIKE I KNOW. I haven't even decided what time I am going to bed tonight, okay guys? Lay off. I have a job for now, so trust me I am not sitting around doing nothing all day everyday. I  just can't take constantly hearing 'what are you going to do now?', 'what jobs are you going to be applying to?'... I understand that maybe I should have answers to these questions, but I don't. I'm still working on tying up the loose ends (requesting transcripts, paperwork, etc) so that I will actually be officially graduated with a diploma and all. So if you see me, please refrain from asking me these questions. Now, if you see me 4 months from now and i'm unemployed, sleeping until noon, and looking for change on the sidewalk.... then feel free to ask me what the hell i'm doing. Until then, please don't.

Now that I am at a new stage in my life it is pretty interesting and very, very stressful. I feel that my life is just a bunch of questions with no answers. I try reminding myself that many of my friends are in the same boat, but I really like knowing and being somewhat in control of what is going on. Oh well, I guess I will quickly learn to get over that. 

Anyway... getting to the point of this blog--I am really trying to remind myself of all the positives that have happened thus far in 2013 (with most happening in the past 3 months)... so read on!..

The Good  

-I finished my undergrad years!!! (just to reiterate in case you hadn't gotten that through your head yet...ha)

-I was given the opportunity to intern at a nonprofit social services agency, where I gained even more knowledge on people and communities. 

-My internship was 40 minutes from home, so I was able to become acquainted with a whole new place! I fell in love with the town I interned in. It is in the top 5 biggest cities in Illinois, & has a diverse population, so of course I couldn't help loving it! 

-I've made new friends and met new people. 

-I have the cutest, sweetest dog on the entire planet. She will be the reason I never move out of my parents house. 

-This summer has been a summer of family. I've had cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents come visit from all over the country in the last 3 months. Nothing beats family time. 

-My brother and I are much closer now that he is getting older (he moved to college on Thursday and I want him to come home already, I don't like being the only child). 

-I have learned so much about myself. It's crazy to think that there is still things we don't know about ourselves, but with time we change and we are constantly finding out more about ourselves through the different experiences and situations we encounter. 

-I'm employed. It may not be long term, but I am still grateful and very happy that I do have a good paying job for the time being. 

-I have plenty of wonderful friends. So thankful for these people, whether I see them often or if there are thousands of miles separating us. I could not ask for better people to be in my life. 

-& last but not least, my love life could be a comedians show. This past week has been hysterical, if you've heard the stories then you know, & if not then you are missing out...hahaha.

---which actually reminds me of one more very important 'good'. That good is that I have been able to laugh at myself. Life will never be flawless, but as long as you can brush it off, or even better laugh it off, then you will be perfectly fine. 

There is plenty more goods that have happened to me, but for now this list is more than enough to lift my spirits. 

Now all there is to do is to go create some more goods. 

XoXo,Kaila.

Inside My Head

So, if you know me, you know that I am always thinking & daydreaming about something different. Sometimes it's like my brain jumps from one topic to the next before I even realize it. & did i mention that I am constantly daydreaming?!... Anyway, I've been jotting down some of the things that I have crossed my mind lately & I thought maybe I could put it all together for a different type of blog. So as a warning, this blog post really has no rhyme or reason to it, just a little look into my daily thoughts and daydreams.

Here We Go...

• You know when you hear someone talking about something that they did or are going to do and they are talking about it so casual and nonchalantly but for you it's something that you want to do SO BAD?! &it's not that they know this and are trying to rub it in your face or anything, but like you want to scream because it's not a huge deal to them but to you it would mean the world?! Yeah, that happened to me the other day. A coworker was talking about her upcoming vacation and one of her stops was going to be South Carolina. Her and her family were going to 'see the sea turtles and all that'.... LADY, that's on my bucket list, that should be me!!! Like how unfair is life sometimes?! Someone else is planning to do something that you dream of. I'm sure she will enjoy it, but me, i'd be so happy i'd be in tears! 
• When you're driving and the lanes are merging into one, and you are already in the right lane yet someone is trying to merge in front of you, annoying right? Like hey mister I made sure that I was in the correct lane half a mile back,  I don't understand why you didn't. But then you let them go in front of you (because honestly what else are you going to do, run them into one of those bright orange road blocks?). As they merge in front of you they wave a very pleasant thank you and it makes it all okay. Actually, it makes me feel like a bitch for being so moody to myself about it in the first place and makes me think twice about what we get frustrated for. 
• To continue with the driving and frustration topic, say you are driving down your street and someone pulls out of their driveway in front of you causing you to have to slow down or stop. If this person was someone you didn't know or didn't like you'd be pissed right?! But if it's a neighbor that you get a long with you slow down/stop with a smile on your face and not a bad thought in your mind. Kind of crazy how more than not we would actually like and get along with the strangers that aggravate us by doing the smallest of things that would not annoy us if we only knew them. Something to think about. 
• There are so many pregnant women in the world right now. So many. SO MANY! All you have to do is go to the closest public place and you will see them. On that note, pregnant people are one of the cutest things in the world. Just adorable. 
• I'm pretty sure in order to be a middle aged women you have to do 3 things--1. Know about/be able to identify all different kinds of plants, 2. Watch HGTV, and 3. complain about how horrible hot flashes are. Now I'm not middle aged, but I do love HGTV. It's all I watch lately. It gets me really excited to go house hunting/make house renovations in the future. But first I should probably worry about making enough money to be able to move out of my parents house... One can dream. 
• Ladies, ever scared to set your purse down in a dressing room/bathroom in fear that someone is going to reach under your door and steal it?! I think of this all the time. Like for instance, you go into a bathroom and have no where to hang your purse and you know that the rest of the bathroom is empty but you are still scared that someone is silently perched up on a toilet just ready to make their move?! Runs through my mind every time. 
• Lately I've been thinking about how I better just never be proposed to. If you know me, you know how I have daydreamed about the perfect proposals. If the guy that is proposing to me doesn't put a lot of thought into it and make it adorably special then it's adios muchacho. & i'm pretty certain that most guys won't have the desire to be creative enough for what my daydreams have prepared me for. 
• Letters. We all love getting things in the mail & what's better than a unexpected handwritten letter from a friend?! We should all start writing letters more, they are so much better than a message sent via technology. & plus, you are surely making that persons day when they open up their mailbox!
• How does anyone move to a new place? The more and more I try to get myself prepared and thinking about moving the more and more it seems impossible. Someone help me. 
• Rainy days are the best kinds of days when you are stuck in an office. I understand it's summer, but Monday-Wednesday has my permission to rain while i'm at work. 
• I think that I should be a pro singer by now. For the amount of time I spend in a car each day (1.5 hours) I should have signed a record deal by now. I mean I spend my car rides with the music up trying to match the pitch of the artist that I am listening to, each song is like a mini voice lesson between the artist and myself. (I must admit, no matter how hard I try I will never be able to match Justin Timberlakes voice.)
• What I would do to be able to live a dogs life for a day. 
• I wonder what i'll be doing a year from now. It's crazy to think that this time of my life is the time when the most changes will be happening over a short period of time. During the college years you know that you will be in school from August-May, yes you experience a lot and grew over those four years but I feel like more serious changes occur within the couple years following graduation. 
• I dream a ton. Most of the time my dreams are really real scenarios. I often wake up trying to figure out what actually happened and what didn't. I love dreaming, it's great. The weirdest is when you are dreaming & you are conscious that it is a dream yet you make yourself stay in that state of mind because you are enjoying the dream. Maybe that just happens to me, but i'm going to guess that it is pretty common. 

Alright, well that is all for now, unfortunately I have Spanish homework that has been calling me llamo. 

Adios mis amigos, besos-

Kaila

A Different World

Last week I experienced a very unanticipated culture shock. It was unlike any culture shock experience I have ever had before. I was sitting in a room amongst a group of very wealthy individuals. When I say very I mean VERY. Now i'm sure this isn't my first time being around wealthy people, but it was the first experience I've had with the rich that really caught me off guard. Maybe it was because this time I was the only one in the room that didn't quite fit in.

As a part of my internship the CEO wanted me to attend a board meeting. Not really knowing what to expect I walked into the conference room and there was only 3 or 4 people there so far. As more people started filing in it was apparent through the clothes that they were wearing that they were pretty important people at their jobs, wherever & whatever those happened to be. Before the meeting started the members were conversing with each other, just making small talk & that was when I realized I had entered a whole new world. Here is the conversation I overheard--

Woman 1: My husband has two weeks off coming up so we are going to go vacation somewhere.
Woman 2: Oh nice! Where are you guys thinking about going?
Woman 1: We haven't picked a place yet. He was on the computer the other day and I asked him where he was looking at but he just said he was looking around, really didn't know where to go yet.
Woman 2: Are you guys flying commercial?
Woman 1: No he has a private jet that we will take.

Wait, what?! A private jet?! That happens in real life?!
I was completely taken aback and just utterly shocked at how casual this conversation was for these two ladies. Private jets are what you hear about in movies, or daydream about when buying a lotto ticket, but never a reality. At least not for me or anyone that I know. Obviously I am aware that people have private jets and get to travel to wherever they please without worrying about tickets being sold out, flights being delayed, or the crying baby that always ends up sitting 2 rows ahead of you. They just take their private jets and are on their merry way to whatever destination they decide on. I just found it fascinating that I was sitting in a room with someone's whose reality is private jets and 2 week long vacations to wherever they desire.

This same lady had in event at her house earlier where she invited a select group of woman to her house to revel an upcoming event. Where exactly was this held may you ask? In her ballroom. Yes, you heard that right, she has a ballroom. I saw pictures to prove it too. Completely adorned in gold and red decorations, super high ceilings, paintings, multiple round tables. Mind blowing.

Now to be clear, all the people in the room were very nice people (& not to mention, all donating their time towards a very great mission!), so I am not trying to make them sound bad or anything of that sort. It was just really shocking. Maybe it doesn't sound so crazy to you, maybe it was an experience that you had to be there for, I'm not sure.
I have experienced culture shock before, but it was usually with the other side of the spectrum. I had never been immersed in a room full of people that probably make more money in a week than my parents do in a month.

Always experiencing something new,

xoxoKaila

Making Plans

I have so much to talk about that I don't even really know where to start! But here it goes...

My brothers graduation party was two weekends ago and my cousin Erin came into town with her two kids (Lex & Ryan). When I studied in California my sophomore year of college I had stayed with Erin for about a month before moving into the dorm since she only lived about an hour away from my school. I was blessed enough to have family in the area that helped me as much as they did, especially since we didn't have much of a relationship prior to this due to having lived across the country from one another our entire lives. Over the year I was there I was able to create a bond with Erin and her family and I am so thankful for all that they have done for me. So, jumping back to my brothers graduation party weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to spend time with Erin and her kids again. I missed them a lot! They came into town on a Wednesday, and by the time I got home from my internship they were already at my house. I walked in the door and Lex runs up to me and gives me a big hug and exclaims "I haven't seen you since you lived in my room!" It made my day, children are the greatest.

So anyway, especially after seeing my cousins again it got me thinking about how I want to move back to California. I have told people over and over again that I plan on moving back but I hadn't made any plans or looked into anything. I had given myself a tentative moving date of sometime next summer. After really giving it some thought I realized that if I give myself a deadline of next summer it will allow me to be lazy and the time will come and go and more than likely I will still be living in suburban Illinois twelve months from now. I decided if I was going to actually be serious about doing this than I needed to get serious about it now and start really contemplating and exploring the different options and opportunities that will be available to me. (& just to note I am secretly an organizational freak that does better with a set itinerary and schedule, so you can only imagine how my nerves have been lately--literally been seconds from tears [okay, and in tears] due to the anxiety from just thinking about it.) I have talked to numerous friends out in California trying to get a feel for what their plans are for this upcoming year, where they will be living, what they will be doing, etc. Of course all my friends are telling me to come out and that I can crash with them and what not, but I know that I need to have a better plan than just whose couch I am going to crash on the night I arrive.

Surprisingly enough me and my brother were driving somewhere together a day or two after I decided I needed to get serious about my decision and he said "Why don't you just take the car?" (We share a car, but he is going off to college without it) I was kind shocked that he said this, so I kind of just looked at him in an wait, what?!...did you really just say that kind of way. He just responded with "I'm going to college, I don't need it, you didn't have it at college." I was still shocked that not only did he say this but he was the one that brought it up and suggested it without me saying anything. After his approval I knew I just (ha) had to get through my parents, and by parents I mean that I was going to talk to my Dad first since he would be easier before approaching my Mom with the topic. I talked to my Dad the next day & in the end he didn't care if I took the car, he just asked me a few questions on what I planned on doing out there. After getting his stamp of approval I was going to hold off for awhile (because I still do have to finish my internship and take the GRE before I can actually get the wheels officially turning), but of course I couldn't contain myself and I brought it up not even two days later. She was going to be my hardest to defeat, and I know she still will be. She told me I could take it if I could pay car insurance and my loan payments and rent, etc. I think she hopes that it just won't ever happen and I will stay living near here for plenty of years to come. & it's not that I don't want to be near her, it's just that I really want to have this experience and I want it to be when i'm young.

I know I still have a long road ahead of me, not to mention the literal 2,000+ miles to travel down the highway, but I am determined (and nervous and scared and anxious and excited and a little bit terrified) to start this journey that I have decided to pursue. I don't have a date in mind, but I do know that I have to take the GRE and apply to grad schools which would probably be easier to do without the chaos of moving cross country simultaneously. All I do know is that I am planning for much earlier than next summer and if all goes well I will be enjoying the smell of the ocean and the warmth of the sun sooner than I had previously dreamt of.

I have a few rules for myself, such as setting time limits for certain things. But how I look at it is- if a month goes by and I am couch surfing and unemployed and worse comes to worst and I have to drive my broke self 2,000 miles back to my parents house, at least I can say I tried, at least i'll have stories, at least i'll have no regrets. 

& i'm pretty sure that is what life is all about, or so i've heard...

Keep Chasing Your Dreams,
xoxo Kaila

P.S. a little dinner time conversation the night before my cousins left---
Me: "Are you going to miss me?"
Lex: 'No."
Me:  :( "...Well fine then."
Lex: "Only because I know you will be at my house in like a week!"

hahaha, I love her.

Buried Treasures.

Okay, so have you cleaned out your closet lately?! If not, go do it! You will not be disappointed, not if you are anything like me at least.

Backtracking-- After moving everything from my apartment back home, I made a plan to completely go through my room and get rid of things that have been sitting around unused for the past 4+ years. I knew my closet was going to be a project. I have a closet that is the entire length of one wall in my room, with two sets of doors. One side had a mound of shoes that was draped with random articles of clothing that had fallen off their hangers. On the other side, I had very few clothes hanging, it was more of a space that collected a lot of random knick-knacks accompanied by a stack of school books and a box filled with a variety of things from freshman year in college.

I began tackling the side with the mound of shoes since I knew this would be an easy organizational fix. I hung up the fallen clothes, and brought up a shoe rack from the basement to organize the shoes on. That side of the closet was looking better in no time.

The other side was a different story. I started by unloading two shelving units I had. One was filled with old sweatshirts that I stacked up for Goodwill. The other was filled with old school papers, awards, and random writings. I flipped through some of my old work (high school era) and was so surprised by some of my writings. Just as I had wrote in my blog Catching Up With The Past, You never know how much you can truly learn about yourself through a handful of sentences written in the past. " 

In one assignment (freshman year of high school) we had to pick a song that symbolized childhood, and another that symbolized the teenage years. For the childhood song I picked 'Walking on Sunshine' by Katrina & the Waves, which is pretty self explanatory. For the teenage years I chose 'Life's A Dance' by John Michael Montgomery. This is what I wrote: 

"Lyrics- Life's  dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, don't worry 'bout what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go. 
I believe that it relates to high school because, well, you learn as you go. Sometimes you are more of an individual, while other times you follow the crowd. It's really just about finding yourself and learning what life is all about."

It's crazy to think that that is how I felt about high school, because really this is how life is for many years beyond high school. We are always learning, always experiencing new things. We are always molding ourselves and gaining new knowledge on what life means, what life is. That last sentence I wrote really sticks with me, and I still believe it 100 percent. 

Another paper I found was one I wrote senior year, we had to write about our philosophy of life. Here are a few excerpts from that: 
-"I believe that the meaning of life is to acquire and maintain true happiness, while helping others do the same." 
-"Sometimes finding happiness acquires us to look beyond the surface..." 
& my favorite part of this paper--
-"In the seconds that we spend laughing with others, we are connected to them with an irreplaceable intensity." 

Yes, i'm aware, much of it is very cliche. But that last sentence, seriously, how cool is it to think about that? I would definitely still stand by those words to this day. When we are laughing with others, really laughing--those laughs that cannot be faked, and cannot be stopped even when you try to compose yourself--those are the moments worth living for. When you are laughing with someone else you are connected to them in some fascinating way that tears down all walls and opens up a special type of companionship. It's laughs like that that are not easily forgotten, and it's laughs like that friendships are built upon. 

Alright, moving on--the majority of the rest of the papers were not as exciting. With many being about various boring books we read and had to write essays on. Although I must admit, I wrote a pretty cool (yet embarrassing) rhyming poem & an interesting little blurb on what the American Dream is to me. Anyway, as I said... moving on.. 

On to the box that was filled with artifacts from freshman year (yes I am making myself sound ancient, but really this was not even 4 years ago). I opened up the box with an idea of what was inside, but when I saw my acceptance packet for Cal State, Northridge sitting on top I was caught off guard and immediately filled with happiness. It just brought me back to how excited I was to find out I had gotten into the student exchange program and how excited I was when I initially received that packet in the mail. I dug a little deeper into the box and pulled out a folder. I opened up the folder and saw a bunch of envelopes on one side. The first one was a card I had gotten from my parents and I assumed the following ones were similar. As I pulled them all out I was thrown off when I saw that they were all letters from soldiers. As a senior in high school I had 'adopted a soldier' and was his pen pal for nearly a year while he was in Iraq. I adopted him off of a website, soldiersangels.org. With adopting him I also had the responsibility (and joy) of sending him care packages. After he returned to the states I wanted to continue my service to the soldiers in some way. Since I was heading off to college I knew that sending care packages would be harder and my funds were going to be lower. So instead, I joined the letter writing team through the same organization. I got one soldiers name per week and I wrote them thank yous/short letters. Being on the letter writing team meant that it wasn't a permanent commitment, and many soldiers may not write back since you are not technically their pen pal, it was just more of a one time card/letter thing. But, there were some soldiers that would write back, and those were what made up the stack of envelopes that I found in that box. After re-reading the letters, I thought to myself that it wouldn't be a bad idea to pick that back up. It was almost like a hobby to me, & one that I enjoyed so much! Finding a letter in the mailbox from someone thousands of miles away, in a place that neither you or I would ever want to be, serving our country, is amazing. Knowing that your letter made it to them, and they wanted to write you back whether it was just to thank you or tell you a little bit about themselves, it was just always such a great feeling. & plus-- who doesn't love getting letters in the mail! 

So anyway, finding the box happened yesterday morning. And yesterday afternoon I went to a close family friends graduation party. At the party was one of my brothers close friends' Mom. Her son, Connor, had joined the Navy and is currently stationed stateside, in Florida. She sat down at the table and started telling us about how he is doing, and how much fun he is having now that he is done with boot camp. She then turned to me and said 'Your Mom was telling me how you adopted a solider off of Soldier's Angels, and I decided to do it since Connor doesn't care about getting letters anymore since he can call and Skype me whenever. I thought it was great that you had done something like that, so I signed up to be an angel too, I just received my soldiers name and address so I'm excited to start writing him and sending him things!' 
This totally through me off guard because 1. I had no idea my Mom had told her & 2. How crazy is it that I had just found all those letters a few hours earlier!?

Okay, so by no means am I saying I inspired someone, but I am so happy for the fact that because I had been involved in something, someone else learned about it and became involved!  I know that she will be a great angel to her soldier, she has such a big heart and I know that whoever her solider is, is one lucky guy. 

As for me, that just solidified the fact that I need to get involved again. Some way, doing something to positively impact the lives of others, even if it's only for the few minutes it takes them to read my letter. 

Well seeing as it's past 2300, it's time for me to sign off for bed, ;) 

xoxo,Kaila. 

Family is Forever

Well even though my last post would lead you to believe something different, these past few weeks have been more than amazing. The bad news brought about great times and lifelong memories.

So, to back track, the morning after I graduated I came downstairs and was sitting in the family room when my Mom told me that my grandpa was diagnosed with Stage 4 Liver Cancer. The doctor said he has 3-6 months without treatment, and with treatment it would hopefully stretch it to about a year. She had found out the day before, but didn't want to say anything since it was supposed to be my 'big day'. My Dad's parents are the only living grandparents I have and they live in Arizona. They had planned a road trip to Illinois and they were going to stay for about 2.5 weeks with a stop in Arkansas on the way back. Since my Grandpa got diagnosed literally days before their trip was about to begin it made their plans change a bit. My Grandpa was determined to still come since it was going to be their last big trip to the Midwest anyway. Mind you, the majority of their children & grandchildren live in the Chicago suburbs & it was home to them their entire lives until about 11 years ago.

So, once the family received word of my Grandpa's diagnoses, my cousin Megan, from Seattle, flew out to Arizona to join in on the road trip to Illinois. My cousin Katie & her husband Justin traveled up from Arkansas for the long Memorial Day weekend to spend time with the family (my grandparents unfortunately had to cut Arkansas out of their road trip plans in order to get back to AZ for treatment).

So to make a long story short, I got to spend a lot of time over the past 1.5 weeks with my grandparents and my cousins that I rarely see. I couldn't have asked for a better time. The days were filled with laughter and love. We made so many irreplaceable memories that I will hold close to me for the rest of my life. This week showed me that when it comes down to it, family will always still be there in the end. Family is made up of the people that will give you some of the best times of your life. Whether we live far or close, see them often or barely ever, they will be there in a second, if need be.

Even though the reason we saw each other so much was because something terrible has happened, it just reinforces what I said above. Thankfully, we have tons of new pictures & closer relationships have developed. For me, I was never really close to any of my cousins. They either moved or were always older than me. I am so thankful to now be closer to my cousins just from this past week. Cousins are seriously one of the best things in life. They are friends, unlike any other.

On Wednesday me, my dad,and my brother headed out to West Chicago for dinner with the family for the last time of the trip since they were leaving early Thursday morning. It was really hard for me knowing that there was a very good chance that this was the last time I would see my Grandpa. I don't know how someone faces knowing that someone they love is dying. I have never been faced with this before. Just knowing that there is only months left of someone's precious life. I still haven't allowed it to hit me fully. Every time I start to think about it too much I just push it away before I end up a complete mess.

It's heartwarming to know that he has been able to live 82 years with nearly 60 of those married to my Grandma. They raised 7 children on my Grandpa's salary for many years and have made countless friends.

They have so much to be proud of, and they have blessed me with so many childhood memories that I will be forever grateful for.

Hold your family close,
xoxoKaila

Too Much

Right now there is a lot going on in my life. It is too much to comprehend as of now.
I really wish I had someone to go through it with like I used to, but one way or another i'll make it through it all.

I don't even know where to begin to face all that is happening; I hope I find the strength in me soon.

-K

12 Days Left.

With graduation right around the corner I've been experiencing a mixture of emotions. I must admit that feeling stressed is the most common emotion lately, & i'm sure that will continue for the next ten days as well.

Now that I am actually taking a moment to think about it, the fact that I will not be returning to a college campus in August is surreal. Every August for the past four years I have shown up on campus (whether it be Illinois or California), with my belongings in hand, ready to start another year of college. With each year I have made different memories, and have had different experiences.

I was blessed to have 3 roommates every year. Some of you may not consider this a blessing, but it allowed me to learn about different cultures and personality types. There have been plenty of laughs, memories, good conversations and of course, annoyances. But that's life, and as they say-- you can't appreciate the good unless you get a taste of the bad every once in awhile.

But anyway, back to graduation. I still cannot believe it is creeping up on me so fast. My cap and gown came weeks ago, but I avoided facing that reality by sticking the box up on my closet shelf. I should probably take the gown out and hang it up to get the creases out, but I think it likes where it's at for now. I'm sure this won't be my final blog about graduation since it really is such a big deal & of course i'm only walking in the commencement ceremony, but still have an internship and online classes to finish up this semester. So you'll still be reading about my graduation 'process' for months... lucky you!

As I said before- I've been experiencing a mixture of emotions. Another emotion I have been feeling a lot lately is sadness. Most of you reading this probably think, oh sadness because i'm finishing up my college years. But my sadness it about something much different.

When I found out I could walk in the graduation ceremony in May and finish up my credits in summer, I was stoked. I called my parents right away, and told my siblings about it. I wanted everyone to be as happy as I was! From the beginning I wanted my parents, brother, and sister to be there graduation day. As reality set in it became pretty obvious that it was only going to be my parents. My sister has two kids and works full time, which makes a day trip to somewhere 2 hours away unlikely. My brother is a senior in high school and the star of the Varsity volleyball team. Missing school and practice wouldn't be worth it. I mean if we are being serious, what eighteen year old boy would want to sit in an arena, listen to a boring graduation ceremony, for 3-4 hours on a Friday night anyway. I understand that my siblings can't make it to my graduation, and that's fine. They have other things going on, but I know (or at least hope) that they will still be proud of me.

I wanted one other person to be in the audience watching me graduate. That person is a boy, who I've had a very complicated friendship/relationship with over the years. We were best friends for 4+ years and I got to spend time with him when I went to California earlier this year. When I found out in late February that I could walk on May 10th, I knew from the get go that I was going to invite him. We have been best friends for most of my college career, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be there. The letter I was planning to send to him to invite me to my graduation had already been written over and over in my head. Unfortunately, we stopped talking before I ever got a letter in the mail. Even before we stopped talking I knew in the back of my mind that he would never make the trip to the Midwest to see my walk across that stage. He would come up with a million excuses before even trying. With knowing that, for some reason, I still had been determined to invite him. I guess I just wanted him to be proud of me for once. I wanted him to be happy for me and be there on one of the biggest days of my life. But, not even story has a fairy tale ending.

A few days after me and him stopped talking I was skyping with my friend Aurora. She is studying in Puerto Rico right now (lucky girl) and she will be there until mid-June. I told her I was walking at the end of this semester and she immediately got all excited and asked me what day. When I told her it was May 10th, I could see her face fall in disappointment. She was so bummed out that she would still be in PR and couldn't 'bust a mission' (as she says) to come see me graduate. When I saw how genuinely sad she was about it, it made my heart break. Not only because she was sad, but because I was so worried about inviting someone that wouldn't even try coming, but not someone who actually would have tried her hardest to be there. In that instant it made me realize that there are so many people that love and care about me & who would love to see me graduate, but I was so caught up in wanting someone there that wouldn't try to be there.

& even though that boy may not be sitting out there in the audience watching me graduate, my parents will be- the two people that have never stopped helping me, supporting me, and loving me. & that's what matters. 

XoXo,
Kaila.

Dogs, Bikes, & Playgrounds.

This past weekend at home was such a good weekend!

Saturday I spent much of the afternoon with my dog, she is my best friend after all. We took advantage of the beautiful weather and went on a walk followed by her getting to lay out in the front yard. She loved it. Once we went inside I decided I needed to start going through all the things in my room. Within minutes it went from cleaning to playing...

Isn't she too cute for words?! 

Then on Sunday my nephews came over for a couple hours and my brother and I played with them outside. They are growing up so fast; both of them were riding around on their bikes and begging for turns to ride on my brothers longboard with him. 

& Monday--

Monday morning I headed to Joliet to fill out a few forms for my internship this summer. In order to get to Joliet, I pass the elementary school that I used to work at my senior year of high school. I was in a program that allowed me to attend regular classes until 10:30am, and then go to the elementary school for the remainder of the school day. I worked with 2 wonderful, amazing 1st grade teachers who had some of the sweetest kids in their classes .I decided that I wanted to stop by on my way home to say hello. When pulling into the parking lot a rush of excitement and adrenaline raced through my veins. It was just like 4 years earlier-- pulling into the parking lot on a sunny day while the kids were playing on the playground. Such a happy place to be. 

I walked up to the school, which now has a new camera & speaker security system. I wasn't sure if they were going to let me in, but luckily, they did. The women at the front desk were not the same 2 ladies that worked there 4 years ago. I was sad they weren't the same, because the 2 women that used to work there were such great people. Since the new women didn't recognize me it took some explaining, but eventually they went a told one of the teachers I worked with, Mrs.K, that I had stopped by. 

She was on her lunch break in the faculty lounge, which was connected to the front office. When she heard I was there she came running out yelling and gave a hug. I honestly don't think I have EVER  seen someone so excited to see me!!! It was extremely heart-warming. She took me back to say hi to the other teacher I worked with; it was so nice seeing the both of them. 

Before leaving Mrs.K made sure that we exchanged phone numbers. She told me at least 5 times to let her know if I ever want to visit or to contact her if there is anything she can do for me. She is the sweetest! It made me feel so loved. As we were saying our goodbyes she gave me another hug and said that my visit made her entire month. Little does she know, she made my entire month :) 

I have been blessed with some of truly amazing people in my life.

Always stay in touch with people that have positively impacted your life. You never know how much a short conversation with that person can brighten your day. 

Xoxo, Kaila. 

Ohh & P.S.! -- I have over 1,000 views on my blog, how exciting!! 

Catching Up With The Past.

About 30 minutes ago I got this gut feeling that I should check my AOL e-mail. I hadn't checked it in quite some time, but I decided to sign in to assure myself that it was just filled with a bunch of spam. As I was deleting all of my e-mails (since they were, of course, spam), I saw one that was from futureme.org. This sparked something in my memory, so I looked at the subject which was titled 'let your light shine bright'. It then dawned on me that this e-mail was from the past me.
2 years ago, I ran across this website, futureme.org, which let you write to a 'future you'. You got to pick the amount of time that you wanted to pass before they sent you your letter via e-mail. 
Have a look at what I wrote to today's me...

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 1 year, 11 months and 30 days ago, on April 05, 2011. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear FutureMe, 
Well about 2 years ago you were living the good life in California, do you regret leaving it now? Also, you were pretty head over heels for this one guy, how's that going, hopefully you've gotten over him?! 
Now you are probably getting ready to graduate in about another year, ready to join the big leagues. Do you still plan on moving back out to the city of angels? I hope so... 
I hope you're happy with whatever it is you are doing in life, all i want is for you to be happy. I hope you've learned to be yourself around everyone you meet, and i hope you spread happiness to others. 
I hope that you continue to pursue your dreams, like learning Spanish, finding a Mexican lover, saving the planet one plastic bottle at a time, and volunteering in your community. 
Always remember that you're loved by many people and you can do great things in life!

-------------
Wow. Reading something written by me to me, from 2 years ago...pretty mind blowing. To be honest, it was actually an extremely emotional experience for me. I bawled my eyes out & am still trying to compose myself. 

I don't even know where to begin with digesting this. It might not seem crazy to you, but to me this e-mail means quite a bit. I'm not even sure I understand it yet.,and i definitely don't know how to explain it.

Instead, for you readers, I'll write my answers to my questions. 

-First off, YES YES YES. I regret leaving 'the good life in California', of course I do. But it's something I didn't really have a ton of control over. My study program was a one year long program & I would have had to pay out of state tuition if I stayed, which is pretty expensive, so it wasn't really an option. But yes, I do miss my California days so so so much. I am grateful that I was able to have that experience; it will always hold a very special place in my heart. 

-The boy I was head over heels for?...well, he's not present in my life right now & I have faith that one day I will do just what it is that my past me wishes I would. 

-It actually won't be another year until I graduate, good news! I will be walking in May & officially be a college graduate in August. 

-I do hope to move back to the City of Angels, it's just a matter of time and money. 

-As for my dreams: well, I need to keeping pursuing those. This letter was a reminder that dreams never die as long as you don't lose sight of them. 

--For you guys reading this, if you have an e-mail address that you will have years from now, I encourage you to write yourself a letter. You never know how much you can truly learn about yourself through a handful of sentences written in the past. 

xoxo, 

Today's Me. 

Distance in Time.

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, to teach us a lesson, and sometimes they have to leave in order for us to fully understand why it is that they were there in the first place.
Sometimes they leave when we don't want them to, sometimes we want them to leave, & sometimes we have to force them to leave.
But, there are plenty of times when someone leaves and we want them to come back. & sometimes they do. Sometimes it works out & sometimes it doesn't.
Goodbyes can be sad, painful, tear filled, & yet sometimes they can be freeing.
Everyone has had to say goodbye to someone that they love whether it be because of death, a move, or personal paths that are no longer aligned.
Not all goodbyes are meant to be forever, some are more of a 'see you later'.
I think that the hardest type of goodbye is one that results in you having to give up on someone. Although, I don't like the wording 'give up', because i don't think i could ever fully give up on someone that i love & care about. I will always have hope that they will find happiness and that they will tap into that bright future that awaits them. Instead of using 'give up' I favor the phrase 'letting go'. Sometimes we have to let go. This doesn't mean that we don't love that person anymore, it just means that sometimes we deserve more. We deserve better than how they treat us, we deserve someone who is willing to show us the love that we show them.
Then there are times we say goodbye because we hope that the other person won't accept it, and that they will reach out to us in order to keep us in their lives. Sometimes it is important to step back and see if they will, see if they want us in their life bad enough. When they don't call, sometimes we cry, but sometimes it opens up our eyes even wider. We are able to see more clearly, we are able to move forward knowing that they didn't feel that we were worth fighting for.
This may sound sad and a bit depressing, but sometimes when we've been fighting for them for so long, it's time to see if they would do the same. It's not that we aren't worth it. Sometimes it's that they don't realize we are worth it, and sometimes it just wasn't meant to be.
Whether it be a friend, family member, or lover- goodbyes can be hard.
Then there are the goodbyes that are just temporary. Someone moves, someone goes off to school, someone joins the military. We say goodbye with every intention of seeing them again. We stay in touch even when they are thousands of miles away, we make sure they know that we are here for them even if we can't be there physically. Some relationships will diminish because they are unable to stand the test of time, yet others will be made stronger. The relationships that are made stronger are the ones that you can count on, the ones that will most likely never disappear. Hold those close, because they can be rare.

xoxoKaila

Key Notes.

Last week while still at school I was thinking about how I really want to be able to play Clocks by Coldplay on my keyboard. You may remember this from reading my bucket list. Before heading home Friday night for Easter, I stopped by the library and printed off the first page of sheet music.
I got home later that night, carried up my keyboard from the basement and started playing around on it. After becoming a little discouraged, because I really have no idea how to read sheet music or play the keyboard, I decided to label the music. Which made it much easier, though some may consider it cheating. Baby steps. 

For a little background:
 I got my keyboard for Christmas, sometime during my junior high years. I had never played an instrument, so reading music wasn't something i've ever learned how to do. Instead, I labeled both the keys and the sheet music in order to be able to play some very basic songs. I never really made it past Jingle Bells and Mary Had a Little Lamb. Though I must admit, I can play a pretty good Amazing Grace. Anyway, my keyboard eventually made its way into my closet and then into basement over the years.

So...
when I got the idea that I wanted to play it this past weekend I guess I didn't really think it through thoroughly. When I printed off the sheet music & at the top it read 'Clocks by Coldplay Level 4' that probably should have been a red flag that I was getting too ahead of myself. Instead, I still gave it a shot. At one point Saturday afternoon, my Mom asked me if the keyboard had a place where I could plug in my earphones so only I would be able to hear it....

BUT by Sunday I was getting kind of decent at it. My brother, my mom, and I were sitting in the living room and I had her go on Youtube and play the portion of the song that I had learned to play (mind you, this was only about 2 -3 lines) and then I played it on my keyboard. & in a very surprised tone she told me that I was getting pretty good at it!!

Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go (like 98% of the song) but at least I tried! Bucket lists aren't worth having unless you are going to actively pursue the items on it, right?!

Oh, andddd! my tri-lingual goal?! I am all signed up for a summer Spanish course! :)

Make your list happen,

xoxoKaila

flavor of the week.

As of yesterday.... Justin Timberlake is my new main man. He has my heart.

Anyway, you gotta listen if you haven't yet (& if you have then i know you want to listen again),  i love it & so should you :)
JT-Mirrors:

Enjoy!

The lyrics are way cute, and so is he. Literally on repeat over here. Someone take me to his concert please.

...& yes, i envy Jessica Biel.

Dreaming of JT,
xoxoKaila

The Future Is In Your Hands.

I honestly wish I could be optimistic 24.7; though that is nearly impossible for anyone to do.
But lately, I have been thinking about my future a ton. & it's exciting. Like i'm going to be BARELY 22, with a degree. Who wouldn't be excited about that?! Of course it is also stressful, because I have to figure out what I am going to doing with my degree, but heyyyy---at least I'll have one! :)

I've realized that at 21, I have quite a few years of my prime left to experience and explore all that I want. I don't have children yet (I thank the heavens for this daily) and I am able to move, travel, meet new people, etc. Obviously you need money to do those things, but hopefully i'll be able to find a job that allows me to travel-even if i'm pinching pennies.

But anyway, back to this idea of 'the future'. It's weird, because really our 'future' is taking place each and every day. Yes, of course we can think about future in the whole '5 or 10 years from now' sense. but really our future is happening each and every time we wake up in the morning.

You hope to be a better person in the future? be a better person. now. your future is now.

It's like this idea of bucket lists, oh you want to learn another language? You want to own your own car? You want to go see Niagara Falls? You want to learn how to play an instrument? WHATS STOPPING YOU?! Go out there & be proactive.

Yeah, i understand you cannot just go buy a car or drive off to Canada. but YOU CAN. & if you are determined enough YOU WILL.
I don't mean at 9 p.m. tonight. I mean plan it out, & make it happen.
Pick a long weekend, find a friend that wants to see the Falls and won't bail out on you, and start making those plans.
Want you own car? Get a job. Have a job? Put a portion of each paycheck in a specific place (bank account, piggy bank, etc.) until you have enough for a decent down payment.

You can do what you want to do. SO DO IT.


& i guess this post makes my first sentence false. Want to be optimistic 24.7--- you can be!

Now I just need to take my own advice,

xoxoKaila

Listen.

I believe that sometimes children know more about life than adults. It's like when you are young you can think about things in a more logical way, but as you grow your mind becomes tainted with  millions of opinions & politics.
We can learn so much of we just sit back and listen to what children have to say.

xoxo Kaila