With graduation right around the corner I've been experiencing a mixture of emotions. I must admit that feeling stressed is the most common emotion lately, & i'm sure that will continue for the next ten days as well.
Now that I am actually taking a moment to think about it, the fact that I will not be returning to a college campus in August is surreal. Every August for the past four years I have shown up on campus (whether it be Illinois or California), with my belongings in hand, ready to start another year of college. With each year I have made different memories, and have had different experiences.
I was blessed to have 3 roommates every year. Some of you may not consider this a blessing, but it allowed me to learn about different cultures and personality types. There have been plenty of laughs, memories, good conversations and of course, annoyances. But that's life, and as they say-- you can't appreciate the good unless you get a taste of the bad every once in awhile.
But anyway, back to graduation. I still cannot believe it is creeping up on me so fast. My cap and gown came weeks ago, but I avoided facing that reality by sticking the box up on my closet shelf. I should probably take the gown out and hang it up to get the creases out, but I think it likes where it's at for now. I'm sure this won't be my final blog about graduation since it really is such a big deal & of course i'm only walking in the commencement ceremony, but still have an internship and online classes to finish up this semester. So you'll still be reading about my graduation 'process' for months... lucky you!
As I said before- I've been experiencing a mixture of emotions. Another emotion I have been feeling a lot lately is sadness. Most of you reading this probably think, oh sadness because i'm finishing up my college years. But my sadness it about something much different.
When I found out I could walk in the graduation ceremony in May and finish up my credits in summer, I was stoked. I called my parents right away, and told my siblings about it. I wanted everyone to be as happy as I was! From the beginning I wanted my parents, brother, and sister to be there graduation day. As reality set in it became pretty obvious that it was only going to be my parents. My sister has two kids and works full time, which makes a day trip to somewhere 2 hours away unlikely. My brother is a senior in high school and the star of the Varsity volleyball team. Missing school and practice wouldn't be worth it. I mean if we are being serious, what eighteen year old boy would want to sit in an arena, listen to a boring graduation ceremony, for 3-4 hours on a Friday night anyway. I understand that my siblings can't make it to my graduation, and that's fine. They have other things going on, but I know (or at least hope) that they will still be proud of me.
I wanted one other person to be in the audience watching me graduate. That person is a boy, who I've had a very complicated friendship/relationship with over the years. We were best friends for 4+ years and I got to spend time with him when I went to California earlier this year. When I found out in late February that I could walk on May 10th, I knew from the get go that I was going to invite him. We have been best friends for most of my college career, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be there. The letter I was planning to send to him to invite me to my graduation had already been written over and over in my head. Unfortunately, we stopped talking before I ever got a letter in the mail. Even before we stopped talking I knew in the back of my mind that he would never make the trip to the Midwest to see my walk across that stage. He would come up with a million excuses before even trying. With knowing that, for some reason, I still had been determined to invite him. I guess I just wanted him to be proud of me for once. I wanted him to be happy for me and be there on one of the biggest days of my life. But, not even story has a fairy tale ending.
A few days after me and him stopped talking I was skyping with my friend Aurora. She is studying in Puerto Rico right now (lucky girl) and she will be there until mid-June. I told her I was walking at the end of this semester and she immediately got all excited and asked me what day. When I told her it was May 10th, I could see her face fall in disappointment. She was so bummed out that she would still be in PR and couldn't 'bust a mission' (as she says) to come see me graduate. When I saw how genuinely sad she was about it, it made my heart break. Not only because she was sad, but because I was so worried about inviting someone that wouldn't even try coming, but not someone who actually would have tried her hardest to be there. In that instant it made me realize that there are so many people that love and care about me & who would love to see me graduate, but I was so caught up in wanting someone there that wouldn't try to be there.
& even though that boy may not be sitting out there in the audience watching me graduate, my parents will be- the two people that have never stopped helping me, supporting me, and loving me. & that's what matters.
XoXo,
Kaila.
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