12 Days Left.

With graduation right around the corner I've been experiencing a mixture of emotions. I must admit that feeling stressed is the most common emotion lately, & i'm sure that will continue for the next ten days as well.

Now that I am actually taking a moment to think about it, the fact that I will not be returning to a college campus in August is surreal. Every August for the past four years I have shown up on campus (whether it be Illinois or California), with my belongings in hand, ready to start another year of college. With each year I have made different memories, and have had different experiences.

I was blessed to have 3 roommates every year. Some of you may not consider this a blessing, but it allowed me to learn about different cultures and personality types. There have been plenty of laughs, memories, good conversations and of course, annoyances. But that's life, and as they say-- you can't appreciate the good unless you get a taste of the bad every once in awhile.

But anyway, back to graduation. I still cannot believe it is creeping up on me so fast. My cap and gown came weeks ago, but I avoided facing that reality by sticking the box up on my closet shelf. I should probably take the gown out and hang it up to get the creases out, but I think it likes where it's at for now. I'm sure this won't be my final blog about graduation since it really is such a big deal & of course i'm only walking in the commencement ceremony, but still have an internship and online classes to finish up this semester. So you'll still be reading about my graduation 'process' for months... lucky you!

As I said before- I've been experiencing a mixture of emotions. Another emotion I have been feeling a lot lately is sadness. Most of you reading this probably think, oh sadness because i'm finishing up my college years. But my sadness it about something much different.

When I found out I could walk in the graduation ceremony in May and finish up my credits in summer, I was stoked. I called my parents right away, and told my siblings about it. I wanted everyone to be as happy as I was! From the beginning I wanted my parents, brother, and sister to be there graduation day. As reality set in it became pretty obvious that it was only going to be my parents. My sister has two kids and works full time, which makes a day trip to somewhere 2 hours away unlikely. My brother is a senior in high school and the star of the Varsity volleyball team. Missing school and practice wouldn't be worth it. I mean if we are being serious, what eighteen year old boy would want to sit in an arena, listen to a boring graduation ceremony, for 3-4 hours on a Friday night anyway. I understand that my siblings can't make it to my graduation, and that's fine. They have other things going on, but I know (or at least hope) that they will still be proud of me.

I wanted one other person to be in the audience watching me graduate. That person is a boy, who I've had a very complicated friendship/relationship with over the years. We were best friends for 4+ years and I got to spend time with him when I went to California earlier this year. When I found out in late February that I could walk on May 10th, I knew from the get go that I was going to invite him. We have been best friends for most of my college career, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be there. The letter I was planning to send to him to invite me to my graduation had already been written over and over in my head. Unfortunately, we stopped talking before I ever got a letter in the mail. Even before we stopped talking I knew in the back of my mind that he would never make the trip to the Midwest to see my walk across that stage. He would come up with a million excuses before even trying. With knowing that, for some reason, I still had been determined to invite him. I guess I just wanted him to be proud of me for once. I wanted him to be happy for me and be there on one of the biggest days of my life. But, not even story has a fairy tale ending.

A few days after me and him stopped talking I was skyping with my friend Aurora. She is studying in Puerto Rico right now (lucky girl) and she will be there until mid-June. I told her I was walking at the end of this semester and she immediately got all excited and asked me what day. When I told her it was May 10th, I could see her face fall in disappointment. She was so bummed out that she would still be in PR and couldn't 'bust a mission' (as she says) to come see me graduate. When I saw how genuinely sad she was about it, it made my heart break. Not only because she was sad, but because I was so worried about inviting someone that wouldn't even try coming, but not someone who actually would have tried her hardest to be there. In that instant it made me realize that there are so many people that love and care about me & who would love to see me graduate, but I was so caught up in wanting someone there that wouldn't try to be there.

& even though that boy may not be sitting out there in the audience watching me graduate, my parents will be- the two people that have never stopped helping me, supporting me, and loving me. & that's what matters. 

XoXo,
Kaila.

Dogs, Bikes, & Playgrounds.

This past weekend at home was such a good weekend!

Saturday I spent much of the afternoon with my dog, she is my best friend after all. We took advantage of the beautiful weather and went on a walk followed by her getting to lay out in the front yard. She loved it. Once we went inside I decided I needed to start going through all the things in my room. Within minutes it went from cleaning to playing...

Isn't she too cute for words?! 

Then on Sunday my nephews came over for a couple hours and my brother and I played with them outside. They are growing up so fast; both of them were riding around on their bikes and begging for turns to ride on my brothers longboard with him. 

& Monday--

Monday morning I headed to Joliet to fill out a few forms for my internship this summer. In order to get to Joliet, I pass the elementary school that I used to work at my senior year of high school. I was in a program that allowed me to attend regular classes until 10:30am, and then go to the elementary school for the remainder of the school day. I worked with 2 wonderful, amazing 1st grade teachers who had some of the sweetest kids in their classes .I decided that I wanted to stop by on my way home to say hello. When pulling into the parking lot a rush of excitement and adrenaline raced through my veins. It was just like 4 years earlier-- pulling into the parking lot on a sunny day while the kids were playing on the playground. Such a happy place to be. 

I walked up to the school, which now has a new camera & speaker security system. I wasn't sure if they were going to let me in, but luckily, they did. The women at the front desk were not the same 2 ladies that worked there 4 years ago. I was sad they weren't the same, because the 2 women that used to work there were such great people. Since the new women didn't recognize me it took some explaining, but eventually they went a told one of the teachers I worked with, Mrs.K, that I had stopped by. 

She was on her lunch break in the faculty lounge, which was connected to the front office. When she heard I was there she came running out yelling and gave a hug. I honestly don't think I have EVER  seen someone so excited to see me!!! It was extremely heart-warming. She took me back to say hi to the other teacher I worked with; it was so nice seeing the both of them. 

Before leaving Mrs.K made sure that we exchanged phone numbers. She told me at least 5 times to let her know if I ever want to visit or to contact her if there is anything she can do for me. She is the sweetest! It made me feel so loved. As we were saying our goodbyes she gave me another hug and said that my visit made her entire month. Little does she know, she made my entire month :) 

I have been blessed with some of truly amazing people in my life.

Always stay in touch with people that have positively impacted your life. You never know how much a short conversation with that person can brighten your day. 

Xoxo, Kaila. 

Ohh & P.S.! -- I have over 1,000 views on my blog, how exciting!! 

Catching Up With The Past.

About 30 minutes ago I got this gut feeling that I should check my AOL e-mail. I hadn't checked it in quite some time, but I decided to sign in to assure myself that it was just filled with a bunch of spam. As I was deleting all of my e-mails (since they were, of course, spam), I saw one that was from futureme.org. This sparked something in my memory, so I looked at the subject which was titled 'let your light shine bright'. It then dawned on me that this e-mail was from the past me.
2 years ago, I ran across this website, futureme.org, which let you write to a 'future you'. You got to pick the amount of time that you wanted to pass before they sent you your letter via e-mail. 
Have a look at what I wrote to today's me...

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 1 year, 11 months and 30 days ago, on April 05, 2011. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear FutureMe, 
Well about 2 years ago you were living the good life in California, do you regret leaving it now? Also, you were pretty head over heels for this one guy, how's that going, hopefully you've gotten over him?! 
Now you are probably getting ready to graduate in about another year, ready to join the big leagues. Do you still plan on moving back out to the city of angels? I hope so... 
I hope you're happy with whatever it is you are doing in life, all i want is for you to be happy. I hope you've learned to be yourself around everyone you meet, and i hope you spread happiness to others. 
I hope that you continue to pursue your dreams, like learning Spanish, finding a Mexican lover, saving the planet one plastic bottle at a time, and volunteering in your community. 
Always remember that you're loved by many people and you can do great things in life!

-------------
Wow. Reading something written by me to me, from 2 years ago...pretty mind blowing. To be honest, it was actually an extremely emotional experience for me. I bawled my eyes out & am still trying to compose myself. 

I don't even know where to begin with digesting this. It might not seem crazy to you, but to me this e-mail means quite a bit. I'm not even sure I understand it yet.,and i definitely don't know how to explain it.

Instead, for you readers, I'll write my answers to my questions. 

-First off, YES YES YES. I regret leaving 'the good life in California', of course I do. But it's something I didn't really have a ton of control over. My study program was a one year long program & I would have had to pay out of state tuition if I stayed, which is pretty expensive, so it wasn't really an option. But yes, I do miss my California days so so so much. I am grateful that I was able to have that experience; it will always hold a very special place in my heart. 

-The boy I was head over heels for?...well, he's not present in my life right now & I have faith that one day I will do just what it is that my past me wishes I would. 

-It actually won't be another year until I graduate, good news! I will be walking in May & officially be a college graduate in August. 

-I do hope to move back to the City of Angels, it's just a matter of time and money. 

-As for my dreams: well, I need to keeping pursuing those. This letter was a reminder that dreams never die as long as you don't lose sight of them. 

--For you guys reading this, if you have an e-mail address that you will have years from now, I encourage you to write yourself a letter. You never know how much you can truly learn about yourself through a handful of sentences written in the past. 

xoxo, 

Today's Me. 

Distance in Time.

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, to teach us a lesson, and sometimes they have to leave in order for us to fully understand why it is that they were there in the first place.
Sometimes they leave when we don't want them to, sometimes we want them to leave, & sometimes we have to force them to leave.
But, there are plenty of times when someone leaves and we want them to come back. & sometimes they do. Sometimes it works out & sometimes it doesn't.
Goodbyes can be sad, painful, tear filled, & yet sometimes they can be freeing.
Everyone has had to say goodbye to someone that they love whether it be because of death, a move, or personal paths that are no longer aligned.
Not all goodbyes are meant to be forever, some are more of a 'see you later'.
I think that the hardest type of goodbye is one that results in you having to give up on someone. Although, I don't like the wording 'give up', because i don't think i could ever fully give up on someone that i love & care about. I will always have hope that they will find happiness and that they will tap into that bright future that awaits them. Instead of using 'give up' I favor the phrase 'letting go'. Sometimes we have to let go. This doesn't mean that we don't love that person anymore, it just means that sometimes we deserve more. We deserve better than how they treat us, we deserve someone who is willing to show us the love that we show them.
Then there are times we say goodbye because we hope that the other person won't accept it, and that they will reach out to us in order to keep us in their lives. Sometimes it is important to step back and see if they will, see if they want us in their life bad enough. When they don't call, sometimes we cry, but sometimes it opens up our eyes even wider. We are able to see more clearly, we are able to move forward knowing that they didn't feel that we were worth fighting for.
This may sound sad and a bit depressing, but sometimes when we've been fighting for them for so long, it's time to see if they would do the same. It's not that we aren't worth it. Sometimes it's that they don't realize we are worth it, and sometimes it just wasn't meant to be.
Whether it be a friend, family member, or lover- goodbyes can be hard.
Then there are the goodbyes that are just temporary. Someone moves, someone goes off to school, someone joins the military. We say goodbye with every intention of seeing them again. We stay in touch even when they are thousands of miles away, we make sure they know that we are here for them even if we can't be there physically. Some relationships will diminish because they are unable to stand the test of time, yet others will be made stronger. The relationships that are made stronger are the ones that you can count on, the ones that will most likely never disappear. Hold those close, because they can be rare.

xoxoKaila

Key Notes.

Last week while still at school I was thinking about how I really want to be able to play Clocks by Coldplay on my keyboard. You may remember this from reading my bucket list. Before heading home Friday night for Easter, I stopped by the library and printed off the first page of sheet music.
I got home later that night, carried up my keyboard from the basement and started playing around on it. After becoming a little discouraged, because I really have no idea how to read sheet music or play the keyboard, I decided to label the music. Which made it much easier, though some may consider it cheating. Baby steps. 

For a little background:
 I got my keyboard for Christmas, sometime during my junior high years. I had never played an instrument, so reading music wasn't something i've ever learned how to do. Instead, I labeled both the keys and the sheet music in order to be able to play some very basic songs. I never really made it past Jingle Bells and Mary Had a Little Lamb. Though I must admit, I can play a pretty good Amazing Grace. Anyway, my keyboard eventually made its way into my closet and then into basement over the years.

So...
when I got the idea that I wanted to play it this past weekend I guess I didn't really think it through thoroughly. When I printed off the sheet music & at the top it read 'Clocks by Coldplay Level 4' that probably should have been a red flag that I was getting too ahead of myself. Instead, I still gave it a shot. At one point Saturday afternoon, my Mom asked me if the keyboard had a place where I could plug in my earphones so only I would be able to hear it....

BUT by Sunday I was getting kind of decent at it. My brother, my mom, and I were sitting in the living room and I had her go on Youtube and play the portion of the song that I had learned to play (mind you, this was only about 2 -3 lines) and then I played it on my keyboard. & in a very surprised tone she told me that I was getting pretty good at it!!

Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go (like 98% of the song) but at least I tried! Bucket lists aren't worth having unless you are going to actively pursue the items on it, right?!

Oh, andddd! my tri-lingual goal?! I am all signed up for a summer Spanish course! :)

Make your list happen,

xoxoKaila