Thanksgiving Break is only 3 days away! I really cannot wait to be at home with my family! I miss my little nephews to pieces. Being away from them for longer than few weeks is always sad. What will I do when I move out, perhaps even across country?! I guess I can only focus on the now for the time being. Although this may sound silly, I am totally making it a goal to spend some quality time with my puppy each day over break [okay, she may be 8/9, but she will always be my puppy]. You know how whenever someone close to you has moved or passed away and you regret not spending as much time as you could of with them? Well, I really don't want to feel that way about her [although i'm sure no matter what I will feel like I haven't spent enough time with her]. As lame as I may sound dogs completely amaze me. Chloe is always there with a wagging tail and a happy whimper when I walk through the door after being away a school. She is the cutest, and most importantly, the sweetest dog. My nephews can pinch her, poke her, sit on her, anything- and she just sits there at takes it like a champ. She would never even think of hurting them. When she gets tired of them she just gets up and moves to a different room. & she is still such a baby, she sucks on her dog bed like it is a pacifier [no joke]. Anyway... did I really just rant about my dog?
Well, back to the beginning, i'm very excited to be off school for an entire week. So much time, especially when I don't have any projects to work on for school :) It's a great feeling. What will I do with my time?
-spend time with my dog, clearly. haha
-spend time with my family
-see friends
-crafts! (I've stumbled upon a few cute things to make on Pinterest)
-shop (California is only 44 days away--some new outfits are a necessity!)
-cook (I really need to become more domestic, so I think I am going to make dinner for my family once or twice, my Mom deserves a break anyway)
-Oh! & my baby brother turns 18 on Monday! :) I really can't get over how old me and my siblings are all becoming. Now that we are all older and over the fighting stage [for the most part] we have some great times & laughs with each other, love them.
I would say I have a pretty solid week ahead of me.
And for a Hello, Again...Update [that's officially the name of my situation that is unfolding]
Although this becomes a little personal, I feel like I need to keep you guys updated since the story started here...
I of course, happened to run into Dan again [I really wish I would have given him a pseudonym, but too late for that].
Well, we were both on our way to the gym a few days after our last run in. And I noticed him a few feet ahead of me. I slowed down quite a bit to stay behind him, because honestly I was kind of trying to avoid him. He was walking extremely slow, so I was contemplating in my head whether to continue to walk at that pace or speed up to my normal pace and walk past him. As I was contemplating this he turned around and was all like 'Hey!', so we started talking. He called me out on not texting him back a few days before, oops. So anyway, as the conversation unfolded I was kind of standoffish, I really don't know why. So we get to the gym and we go our separate ways. Later that night it was really eating at me how I was kind of bitchy. So I texted him apologizing for my behavior. I literally continue to make this whole situation awkward. For the next few days I was thinking to myself that I was totally over analyzing him, and maybe I should just give our friendship a try. I just really am not looking for anything more with him. But, I know I over analyze everything, and I really do want new friends. I am all about diversity, and he would actually be my first black friend. This may sound ignorant of me, but I grew up in a pretty white neighborhood, and after attending school in California where I became friends with tons of Latino/a's I realized that I have never actually had a black friend [actually kind of sad/crazy]. I believe that having a diverse group of friends really makes you see the world differently. I know from experience that becoming very close with people of another culture really opens up your eyes, and erases a lot of the stereotypes. I think it is important to learn about other peoples cultures in order to grow personally.
So fast forward a few more days...and we are at yesterday!
Yesterday, me and Dana [one of my best friends] go to the library, around 7 pm. We go to the 4th floor of the library, and literally every table is occupied. We head down to the 3rd floor, find a table and as we are walking towards it I make eye contact with this guy sitting at a table. I thought maybe it was Dan, but I wasn't sure because he wasn't wearing his glasses, so I was uncertain. We sit at our table [which is only about 15 feet away], and I told Dana that I thought it might be him. We had made eye contact for quite a few more seconds than normal. So I got out my phone and texted him.
Me: Are you at the library?
Dan: Maybe.
Me: Are you on the 3rd floor?
Dan: Maybe...
Me: Are you wearing blue?
Dan: You are obviously stalking me.
hahaha. So after confirming that it was in fact him, I walked over and talked to him for a few minutes. It was a really chill conversation and I was thinking in my head like 'Hey Kaila, you guys can be friends!'. (**Seriously, what are the odds of running into this kid so often when I go to a school with 20,000+ students).
So today... I go to the gym and of course Dan is there too. At first I was all like Yay, my new friend!
Eventually we were both walking around the track, casually talking [before either of us had really started our workouts], *I am going to kind of just sum up this part of the story*, but he puts his arm around my waist, which made me feel completely uncomfortable. & it wasn't just a 2-second thing, it was more like 20-30 seconds (**which feels like an eternity when you feel uncomfortable). & of course moments before this I had agreed to hang out him this week. So anyway to get myself out of this situation I was like 'well, I really gotta go start my workout.' and he hugged me goodbye. I was going in for the whole one-arm, quick side hug, but of course he had other plans..
Anyway, from his behavior, it kind of was apparent that he might not just be looking for a friend.
This whole thing was terribly upsetting to me. As I walked downstairs to the treadmills, I had tears brimming in my eyes. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS PATHETIC. but I was so frustrated at myself for not telling him that I didn't feel comfortable with him touching me like that. I don't want him to think it's okay, but I didn't correct his behavior because I was just so focused on how uncomfortable I was in that moment- I couldn't even bring myself to say anything, if that makes sense. Not only am I super self-conscious but he doesn't even know me.
He literally has no clue who I am, he doesn't know that I have two nephews [who basically consume my whole heart], a dog, or that I spent a year in California. If you don't know any of those 3 things, than you really have no idea who I am because those three things have helped shape and define who I am. He doesn't even know my last name, and he even spells my first name Kayla. It's not that he doesn't show any interest in getting to know me, but our conversations are usually short, so we haven't really gotten deeper than the 'surface conversations'. Anyway, I guess it just upsets me because I'm at a point in my life where I want to get to know people, on a friend level, but really get to know them and learn about how they see the world. & i'm not trying to make him look like a bad person, because I really don't believe he is. I guess I just need to make it clear that right now I'm just about making friends.
So... I really wasn't planning on sharing all of this, but it was something I kind of needed to write about.
What to do, what to do....
xoxo Kaila
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