Incomplete.

Two weeks ago I thought I was having the worst week, but it doesn't seem like it has really let up yet.

Of course I really wasn't having 'the worst week ever', there were just a few more bumps in the road than usual for such a short period of time. Although I've definitely laughed, smiled, and been happy in the past two weeks, I still feel like I am in somewhat of a slump. I try to remember that I have it good compared to many others, but we all know that when we are having a bad day, we think we're the only one having a bad day. 

This is going to be somewhat of a rant, venting, i don't really even know. Read it or don't read it, your choice. Fair Warning. 

I guess what my real problem right now is that I'm not totally happy. It might not make sense, sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me-because I know that I do have a lot to be happy about. But when it comes down to it, i'm not. I feel like there's something missing. Maybe its a job? Enjoyable classes? Friends? A Boyfriend? My location? ...Probably a mix of all the above. 

I think I'm just really ready to be done with school, I'm ready to move to a new place, a city, somewhere. I'm excited to get a job and make a life for myself. My classes right now are boring, and annoying to sit through and deal with. I shouldn't complain about this, because I know I could have it worse, but I am complaining. I'm really just sick of school, I'm sick of being stuck in central Illinois. I need more diversity, I need new opportunities and experiences. 

On to the friends. I obviously have friends, and they are amazing. I wouldn't replace them for anything. When it comes to this topic it's harder to explain, but you know how people go to college and that's where they meet their bridesmaids (and husband if they're lucky)?! Well freshman year I came to college, and me and 3 other girls from my hometown were 4 peas in a pod. I didn't know 2 of them in high school, so even though we came from the same town they were still my new college BFFL's. We had a great year, so many memories and laughs. It was great. 

Sophomore year--the four of us went down separate paths, mine being going to California for the year. I had the best experience of my life. I learned so many things. I experienced true bliss, happiness, laughter, tears, loneliness, sadness, a broken heart. Literally the whole spectrum of emotions in a short year. I wouldn't trade my experience for the world. I made so many new friends that truly cared about me and that I had tons of fun with. I even met two of my best friends, who are quite irreplaceable. 

When I came back from California my ISU friends hadn't just paused their lives for a year, theirs continued to go on too. So coming back to my friends having tons of new friends that I had never met before was kind of hard to adjust to. I had made tons of friends too, mine were just unfortunately all back in Southern California. Since coming back last year I haven't felt like I have completely found my place at ISU again. I know a majority of this is because I continue to long for California and miss my friends there. Either way, I am ready to leave this town behind me and either return to California, or venture out to somewhere new. 

Boyfriend? Of course every girl wants one of those. Who wouldn't want someone to hang out with or talk to or cuddle with whenever they wanted? After a couple of years of having someone there, even though it was somewhat of a long distance relationship it's hard to go back to being on your own. I was so used to talking to him until I fell asleep at night, he made me feel completely comfortable whenever we were together, and he made me happy. Of course he also made me cry, hurt, and angry--but when it was good, it was good. Or at least I thought so. I had never cared so much about someone else in my entire life until him. We started off as friends, and to this day continue to be. We met under special circumstances that allowed us to become best friends and be there for each other. Eventually I began to see him as more of a friend, and maybe that's how he saw me too. I was young and naive and got upset and jealous a lot, but like I said- I was young. We were both there for each other through a variety of situations and life events. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I learned more than I could have ever imagined throughout the whole experience. I learned that no matter how much you care about someone or how much you enjoy their presence, it doesn't mean that they will feel the same way about you. Which is okay, life is all about learning, right? The one song that reminds me of our situation now, is Adele's 'Someone Like You'. I'd never want anything but happiness for him. & He will continue to have a really special piece of my heart--i'll continue to be there for him, as he is for me, and in the end no one will be able to take his place. After all, there's only one of him, and he's pretty special.

I know that I will find happiness, I will continue to laugh and smile. I guess what is hard is not feeling complete right now. I know i'm surrounded by people who love me, and I love them for always being by my side through it all. I know I cry a lot, a lot more than I used to, but it's okay, because one day I'll be able to understand why. Everyone is going through their own battles, everyone just responds to them differently. For now I have to just realize that I am blessed with a good education, good friends, a great family, and a bright future. 

Life is just one big puzzle, I'll eventually begin finding the right pieces that fit together perfectly and i'll be on my way to creating one beautiful picture. 

xoxo, Kaila