October Reflection.

Well it's the end of another month... unbelievable.

& with it being October that means Happy Halloween!

Something that I decided to start this month was setting monthly goals. I came up with the idea about a week into the month, so October was my trial run. I decided to set two goals for myself. I decided on two per month instead of one to give me a better chance at success. Just looking out for myself, haha. I figured if I only gave myself one goal and I didn't happen to complete it I would probably feel like I have failed. & I didn't want that to stop me from continuing on. Although I guess setting two goals could also set me up for more failure if I fail to complete either one. But anyway, I'm sure you get the picture!

My October Goals:

1. Use my planner, consistently! 

2. Work on being a better listener. 


Now, you might ask, was I successful?!

Use my planner, consistently!: 
Okay, maybe if I left out the 'consistently' I would be able to say I have successfully completed this one. Unfortunately, I did include consistently, and I sure have not used my planner consistently. BUT I do always take it to class with me and I open it about once a week, we can focus on the positives, right?! My problem is is that I will write in it about once a week, and I'll write down everything I should be doing or working on that week, but I never remember to go back and look at what I have written down and planned out. Maybe a few sticky notes around my room could help me with this! I will continue to work on this goal until it hopefully becomes consistent.


Work on being a better listener: 
I knew that I needed to work on being a better active listener. I have a problem of looking at my computer or phone when someone is telling me something. I promise I am still listening and 9 times out of 10 I can recite back what it is you were talking about. But I know that being a good listener you must actively demonstrate that you are listening and that the person talking has your full attention. Another problem I have when listening is I cut them off before they are done expressing their point. I'm not intentionally trying to be rude, it was just so habitual. I love talking, so I figured I needed to tell them how I had a similar experience or story before they were even done telling me their story.
This month, I made it a point to always look away from whatever it is I am doing in order to show the person that they do in fact have my full attention and I am genuinely interested in whatever it is that they want to discuss or talk about. I try to keep reminding myself that there is going to be time for me to talk after the other person is done talking. I realized that sometimes friends just need to vent, and even though you don't have the answers for them, a listener is all they are looking for.
Initially I didn't tell my friends what my goals were, and about halfway through I brought it up to a few people.
One of my roommates and one of my best friends told me that they had noticed that I was being a better listener and they meant to tell me---  SUCCESS! I was super excited to hear this!


I think it's important to make realistic goals in order to guide me in the direction of becoming a better person. We all have things that we can work on and improve on, and by setting goals we are able to begin accomplishing these things in a realistic, timely manner.
I am so glad that I decided to start doing this, and even though this was my first month, I am already learning more about myself by admitting and facing my faults.

I encourage others to do this, it's a great feeling when you are able to see a difference for the better in yourself!

Stay tuned for my November goals :)

xoxo Kaila

Hello, Again...

Wow, it's been over two weeks since I lasted posted! Time surely does fly because it definitely hasn't felt that long. These past two weeks have been good ones. I'm not sure anything major has happened, but I have been happy and have somewhat gotten more into the groove of school.

There was one thing that happened to me about a week and a half ago, I'll share the story because it basically sums up my life.

So it was a rainy Wednesday (October 17th) and I was walking back to my apartment after class. I was wearing jeans and a black hoodie, i had the hood up because it was drizzling a little. My earbuds were in my ears and I was listening to some Coldplay Radio on Pandora. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a boy who came up behind me and was now walking next to me. It only took me a few seconds to realize he was talking  to me. I took out one of my earbuds and this is how our conversation went:

Me: 'Sorry, what?'
Him: 'Oh, i was just saying I liked your outfit.' (*My first thought was that this is some kind of joke, because like I mentioned before i was wearing jeans and a black hoodie)
Me: '..........Thanks.' (*I did a quick glance backward to see if his friends were following us, because I was sure this had to be a joke.)
Him: 'I noticed the purple, i like it.' (*Okay--he won some cool points here, my favorite color is purple, and I was, in fact, wearing a purple shirt that was peeking out underneath my hoodie)

I smiled, and was about to put back in my earbud and be on my way when he asked me another question.

Him: 'So where are you headed?'
Me: 'Just back to my apartment.'
Him: 'Are you done with classes for the day?'
Me: 'Yeah, i just got out of my last class for the day. What about you?'
Him: 'I'm headed back to my apartment right now, but I have class all day, and then I have to go to the library for like 3 hours tonight to get some studying done. --I'm sorry what was your name?'
Me: 'I'm Kaila, and you?'
Him: Dan. (*Here he outstretched his hand for me to shake--i just looked at it for few seconds before saying--)
Me: 'No, that's weird.'
Dan: 'What?'
Me: 'Well if we were going to shake hands it should have been at the beginning of the conversation, not now. That's weird.' (*REALLY KAILA?? Why do you have to be so awkward...the poor kid is just trying to be courteous.)
Dan: 'What, do you think, i'm going to like shock you or something if you shake my hand?' (*this in fact was the first thing that had gone through my head!)
Me: 'Kind of..'

I eventually shook his hand, and he being the good sport he is, faked a shock when he shook my hand. This sounds lame, but it was funny, not sure how to explain it through text though. So hopefully your imagination works well. He continued making conversation with me, while most of my answers were awkward and short. I had no idea I was so horrible at conversating with someone completely random. Just wait though, the best is yet to come...

Dan: 'So what do you and your friends like doing for fun?'
Me: 'uhm... we just hang out.... and talk about how we hate everything...' (**OKAY, SERIOUSLY?! Way to make myself [and my friends] sound so lame... I quickly try resurrecting myself--) 'I mean, not really, just kidding, i don't know I guess we just hang out and talk..'
Dan: 'Uhm are you sure you're just kidding? Now looking at your black outfit i'm not sure you are.' (*He was saying this jokingly.. he really was great at conversation and trying to make it comfortable even when I was making it really awkward hahaha, bless his soul.)
Me: 'What do you and your friends do?'
Dan: 'We do a lot of different things, we go off campus to eat, for the most part we are pretty spontaneous, we just do whatever comes up.'
Me: 'Oh yeah, me and my friends are spontaneous too.... except nothing ever comes up for us...' (*LOL, i seriously think this was just the cherry on top of it all... I have no idea what I was thinking when I was saying these things.)

When we get to a point where we are both about to turn into different directions he asks me for my phone number.

Dan: 'If you give me your number I can give you some ideas on what you and your friends should do.' (yeah, he was slick like that).
Me: '630-999-xxxx. '
Dan: '999.. hmmm.'
Me: 'Yeah it's fake.'  (I did, in fact, give him my legitimate number, and yes it is 999, I guess I just figured I needed to make it more awkward with this comment.)
Dan: 'Sooo... should I just put your name as Rejection Hotline?'
Me: 'Yeah, probably.' (*Okayy Kaila--people don't understand that you are super sarcastic upon meeting you...Oops...)

I then turn to walk away, and over my shoulder say 'Have a Nice Day', to which he replied 'You Too'.

So basically to sum it all up, I am sooooo awkward!!!!! & the poor boy probably thinks that I hated him and that I gave him a phony number. When in reality he was so nice and pretty hilarious too.

If I ever run into this Dan character again, I promise to say sorry, and hopefully start all over.

Oh, my life.....

The Countdown Begins...

After the past week or two I feel like I can finally breathe! & what a good feeling that is...

I definitely do have a love-hate relationship with school. & unfortunately me and school have been on that hate side lately. BUT, i'm done with papers and tests for a whole week before i have to start worrying about them again. Oh the life of a college student. Or should i say a procrastinating college student. *

I know i haven't written in over a week, and my last blog was a bit on the downside, but this week i have some pretty great news that have lifted my spirits!
Drum roll please...


I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA!
In 76 short days i'll be riding bikes on the beach, eating In'N'Out and mango raspados, listening to Latino 96.3, walking underneath the palm trees, breathing in the salty ocean air, driving (or getting stuck in traffic) on the 405, speaking Spanglish, and most importantly doing all of these things with some of my favorite people!

& the best part is i'll be there for 15 days! (Last year i learned the hard way that one week is not enough--i'm sure 2 weeks won't be either, but hey at least it's a little better.)

I'm kind of a sucker for bucket lists, sooo one of my very best friends, Daisy, and I have decided to come up with a sort of 'Winter Break Bucket List'. Some of the items are pretty good if i do say so myself.
Here are a few examples:
-Riding bikes on the beach (yes, we did this last year when i was there over Thanksgiving, but this has to be on the list, it's a must!)
-Obviously PARTY! Now, that i'm officially part of the 21 Club !
-Find two boys, and go on a double date.
-Hike to the Hollywood sign (or at least as close as you can get to it).
-Go to Tarranea- i have no idea where this is, but Daisy said we definitely need to go, so i'm down.
-Watch a sunset and sunrise on the beach.

And we are still working on adding things...so clearly I'm going to be having a good time, as usual!

I seriously can't wait. I can't wait to see all of my friends.  I can't wait to see some of my friends families who i consider my own. California just really is love for me. The views, the people, the laughs, the memories.

Buying my ticket really couldn't have happened at a better time either, i really needed something to look forward to and something to motivate me to get through the rest of the semester. Now I have so much to look forward to!

See you soon LA, xoxo Kaila

Incomplete.

Two weeks ago I thought I was having the worst week, but it doesn't seem like it has really let up yet.

Of course I really wasn't having 'the worst week ever', there were just a few more bumps in the road than usual for such a short period of time. Although I've definitely laughed, smiled, and been happy in the past two weeks, I still feel like I am in somewhat of a slump. I try to remember that I have it good compared to many others, but we all know that when we are having a bad day, we think we're the only one having a bad day. 

This is going to be somewhat of a rant, venting, i don't really even know. Read it or don't read it, your choice. Fair Warning. 

I guess what my real problem right now is that I'm not totally happy. It might not make sense, sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me-because I know that I do have a lot to be happy about. But when it comes down to it, i'm not. I feel like there's something missing. Maybe its a job? Enjoyable classes? Friends? A Boyfriend? My location? ...Probably a mix of all the above. 

I think I'm just really ready to be done with school, I'm ready to move to a new place, a city, somewhere. I'm excited to get a job and make a life for myself. My classes right now are boring, and annoying to sit through and deal with. I shouldn't complain about this, because I know I could have it worse, but I am complaining. I'm really just sick of school, I'm sick of being stuck in central Illinois. I need more diversity, I need new opportunities and experiences. 

On to the friends. I obviously have friends, and they are amazing. I wouldn't replace them for anything. When it comes to this topic it's harder to explain, but you know how people go to college and that's where they meet their bridesmaids (and husband if they're lucky)?! Well freshman year I came to college, and me and 3 other girls from my hometown were 4 peas in a pod. I didn't know 2 of them in high school, so even though we came from the same town they were still my new college BFFL's. We had a great year, so many memories and laughs. It was great. 

Sophomore year--the four of us went down separate paths, mine being going to California for the year. I had the best experience of my life. I learned so many things. I experienced true bliss, happiness, laughter, tears, loneliness, sadness, a broken heart. Literally the whole spectrum of emotions in a short year. I wouldn't trade my experience for the world. I made so many new friends that truly cared about me and that I had tons of fun with. I even met two of my best friends, who are quite irreplaceable. 

When I came back from California my ISU friends hadn't just paused their lives for a year, theirs continued to go on too. So coming back to my friends having tons of new friends that I had never met before was kind of hard to adjust to. I had made tons of friends too, mine were just unfortunately all back in Southern California. Since coming back last year I haven't felt like I have completely found my place at ISU again. I know a majority of this is because I continue to long for California and miss my friends there. Either way, I am ready to leave this town behind me and either return to California, or venture out to somewhere new. 

Boyfriend? Of course every girl wants one of those. Who wouldn't want someone to hang out with or talk to or cuddle with whenever they wanted? After a couple of years of having someone there, even though it was somewhat of a long distance relationship it's hard to go back to being on your own. I was so used to talking to him until I fell asleep at night, he made me feel completely comfortable whenever we were together, and he made me happy. Of course he also made me cry, hurt, and angry--but when it was good, it was good. Or at least I thought so. I had never cared so much about someone else in my entire life until him. We started off as friends, and to this day continue to be. We met under special circumstances that allowed us to become best friends and be there for each other. Eventually I began to see him as more of a friend, and maybe that's how he saw me too. I was young and naive and got upset and jealous a lot, but like I said- I was young. We were both there for each other through a variety of situations and life events. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I learned more than I could have ever imagined throughout the whole experience. I learned that no matter how much you care about someone or how much you enjoy their presence, it doesn't mean that they will feel the same way about you. Which is okay, life is all about learning, right? The one song that reminds me of our situation now, is Adele's 'Someone Like You'. I'd never want anything but happiness for him. & He will continue to have a really special piece of my heart--i'll continue to be there for him, as he is for me, and in the end no one will be able to take his place. After all, there's only one of him, and he's pretty special.

I know that I will find happiness, I will continue to laugh and smile. I guess what is hard is not feeling complete right now. I know i'm surrounded by people who love me, and I love them for always being by my side through it all. I know I cry a lot, a lot more than I used to, but it's okay, because one day I'll be able to understand why. Everyone is going through their own battles, everyone just responds to them differently. For now I have to just realize that I am blessed with a good education, good friends, a great family, and a bright future. 

Life is just one big puzzle, I'll eventually begin finding the right pieces that fit together perfectly and i'll be on my way to creating one beautiful picture. 

xoxo, Kaila