Inside My Head

So, if you know me, you know that I am always thinking & daydreaming about something different. Sometimes it's like my brain jumps from one topic to the next before I even realize it. & did i mention that I am constantly daydreaming?!... Anyway, I've been jotting down some of the things that I have crossed my mind lately & I thought maybe I could put it all together for a different type of blog. So as a warning, this blog post really has no rhyme or reason to it, just a little look into my daily thoughts and daydreams.

Here We Go...

• You know when you hear someone talking about something that they did or are going to do and they are talking about it so casual and nonchalantly but for you it's something that you want to do SO BAD?! &it's not that they know this and are trying to rub it in your face or anything, but like you want to scream because it's not a huge deal to them but to you it would mean the world?! Yeah, that happened to me the other day. A coworker was talking about her upcoming vacation and one of her stops was going to be South Carolina. Her and her family were going to 'see the sea turtles and all that'.... LADY, that's on my bucket list, that should be me!!! Like how unfair is life sometimes?! Someone else is planning to do something that you dream of. I'm sure she will enjoy it, but me, i'd be so happy i'd be in tears! 
• When you're driving and the lanes are merging into one, and you are already in the right lane yet someone is trying to merge in front of you, annoying right? Like hey mister I made sure that I was in the correct lane half a mile back,  I don't understand why you didn't. But then you let them go in front of you (because honestly what else are you going to do, run them into one of those bright orange road blocks?). As they merge in front of you they wave a very pleasant thank you and it makes it all okay. Actually, it makes me feel like a bitch for being so moody to myself about it in the first place and makes me think twice about what we get frustrated for. 
• To continue with the driving and frustration topic, say you are driving down your street and someone pulls out of their driveway in front of you causing you to have to slow down or stop. If this person was someone you didn't know or didn't like you'd be pissed right?! But if it's a neighbor that you get a long with you slow down/stop with a smile on your face and not a bad thought in your mind. Kind of crazy how more than not we would actually like and get along with the strangers that aggravate us by doing the smallest of things that would not annoy us if we only knew them. Something to think about. 
• There are so many pregnant women in the world right now. So many. SO MANY! All you have to do is go to the closest public place and you will see them. On that note, pregnant people are one of the cutest things in the world. Just adorable. 
• I'm pretty sure in order to be a middle aged women you have to do 3 things--1. Know about/be able to identify all different kinds of plants, 2. Watch HGTV, and 3. complain about how horrible hot flashes are. Now I'm not middle aged, but I do love HGTV. It's all I watch lately. It gets me really excited to go house hunting/make house renovations in the future. But first I should probably worry about making enough money to be able to move out of my parents house... One can dream. 
• Ladies, ever scared to set your purse down in a dressing room/bathroom in fear that someone is going to reach under your door and steal it?! I think of this all the time. Like for instance, you go into a bathroom and have no where to hang your purse and you know that the rest of the bathroom is empty but you are still scared that someone is silently perched up on a toilet just ready to make their move?! Runs through my mind every time. 
• Lately I've been thinking about how I better just never be proposed to. If you know me, you know how I have daydreamed about the perfect proposals. If the guy that is proposing to me doesn't put a lot of thought into it and make it adorably special then it's adios muchacho. & i'm pretty certain that most guys won't have the desire to be creative enough for what my daydreams have prepared me for. 
• Letters. We all love getting things in the mail & what's better than a unexpected handwritten letter from a friend?! We should all start writing letters more, they are so much better than a message sent via technology. & plus, you are surely making that persons day when they open up their mailbox!
• How does anyone move to a new place? The more and more I try to get myself prepared and thinking about moving the more and more it seems impossible. Someone help me. 
• Rainy days are the best kinds of days when you are stuck in an office. I understand it's summer, but Monday-Wednesday has my permission to rain while i'm at work. 
• I think that I should be a pro singer by now. For the amount of time I spend in a car each day (1.5 hours) I should have signed a record deal by now. I mean I spend my car rides with the music up trying to match the pitch of the artist that I am listening to, each song is like a mini voice lesson between the artist and myself. (I must admit, no matter how hard I try I will never be able to match Justin Timberlakes voice.)
• What I would do to be able to live a dogs life for a day. 
• I wonder what i'll be doing a year from now. It's crazy to think that this time of my life is the time when the most changes will be happening over a short period of time. During the college years you know that you will be in school from August-May, yes you experience a lot and grew over those four years but I feel like more serious changes occur within the couple years following graduation. 
• I dream a ton. Most of the time my dreams are really real scenarios. I often wake up trying to figure out what actually happened and what didn't. I love dreaming, it's great. The weirdest is when you are dreaming & you are conscious that it is a dream yet you make yourself stay in that state of mind because you are enjoying the dream. Maybe that just happens to me, but i'm going to guess that it is pretty common. 

Alright, well that is all for now, unfortunately I have Spanish homework that has been calling me llamo. 

Adios mis amigos, besos-

Kaila

A Different World

Last week I experienced a very unanticipated culture shock. It was unlike any culture shock experience I have ever had before. I was sitting in a room amongst a group of very wealthy individuals. When I say very I mean VERY. Now i'm sure this isn't my first time being around wealthy people, but it was the first experience I've had with the rich that really caught me off guard. Maybe it was because this time I was the only one in the room that didn't quite fit in.

As a part of my internship the CEO wanted me to attend a board meeting. Not really knowing what to expect I walked into the conference room and there was only 3 or 4 people there so far. As more people started filing in it was apparent through the clothes that they were wearing that they were pretty important people at their jobs, wherever & whatever those happened to be. Before the meeting started the members were conversing with each other, just making small talk & that was when I realized I had entered a whole new world. Here is the conversation I overheard--

Woman 1: My husband has two weeks off coming up so we are going to go vacation somewhere.
Woman 2: Oh nice! Where are you guys thinking about going?
Woman 1: We haven't picked a place yet. He was on the computer the other day and I asked him where he was looking at but he just said he was looking around, really didn't know where to go yet.
Woman 2: Are you guys flying commercial?
Woman 1: No he has a private jet that we will take.

Wait, what?! A private jet?! That happens in real life?!
I was completely taken aback and just utterly shocked at how casual this conversation was for these two ladies. Private jets are what you hear about in movies, or daydream about when buying a lotto ticket, but never a reality. At least not for me or anyone that I know. Obviously I am aware that people have private jets and get to travel to wherever they please without worrying about tickets being sold out, flights being delayed, or the crying baby that always ends up sitting 2 rows ahead of you. They just take their private jets and are on their merry way to whatever destination they decide on. I just found it fascinating that I was sitting in a room with someone's whose reality is private jets and 2 week long vacations to wherever they desire.

This same lady had in event at her house earlier where she invited a select group of woman to her house to revel an upcoming event. Where exactly was this held may you ask? In her ballroom. Yes, you heard that right, she has a ballroom. I saw pictures to prove it too. Completely adorned in gold and red decorations, super high ceilings, paintings, multiple round tables. Mind blowing.

Now to be clear, all the people in the room were very nice people (& not to mention, all donating their time towards a very great mission!), so I am not trying to make them sound bad or anything of that sort. It was just really shocking. Maybe it doesn't sound so crazy to you, maybe it was an experience that you had to be there for, I'm not sure.
I have experienced culture shock before, but it was usually with the other side of the spectrum. I had never been immersed in a room full of people that probably make more money in a week than my parents do in a month.

Always experiencing something new,

xoxoKaila

Making Plans

I have so much to talk about that I don't even really know where to start! But here it goes...

My brothers graduation party was two weekends ago and my cousin Erin came into town with her two kids (Lex & Ryan). When I studied in California my sophomore year of college I had stayed with Erin for about a month before moving into the dorm since she only lived about an hour away from my school. I was blessed enough to have family in the area that helped me as much as they did, especially since we didn't have much of a relationship prior to this due to having lived across the country from one another our entire lives. Over the year I was there I was able to create a bond with Erin and her family and I am so thankful for all that they have done for me. So, jumping back to my brothers graduation party weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to spend time with Erin and her kids again. I missed them a lot! They came into town on a Wednesday, and by the time I got home from my internship they were already at my house. I walked in the door and Lex runs up to me and gives me a big hug and exclaims "I haven't seen you since you lived in my room!" It made my day, children are the greatest.

So anyway, especially after seeing my cousins again it got me thinking about how I want to move back to California. I have told people over and over again that I plan on moving back but I hadn't made any plans or looked into anything. I had given myself a tentative moving date of sometime next summer. After really giving it some thought I realized that if I give myself a deadline of next summer it will allow me to be lazy and the time will come and go and more than likely I will still be living in suburban Illinois twelve months from now. I decided if I was going to actually be serious about doing this than I needed to get serious about it now and start really contemplating and exploring the different options and opportunities that will be available to me. (& just to note I am secretly an organizational freak that does better with a set itinerary and schedule, so you can only imagine how my nerves have been lately--literally been seconds from tears [okay, and in tears] due to the anxiety from just thinking about it.) I have talked to numerous friends out in California trying to get a feel for what their plans are for this upcoming year, where they will be living, what they will be doing, etc. Of course all my friends are telling me to come out and that I can crash with them and what not, but I know that I need to have a better plan than just whose couch I am going to crash on the night I arrive.

Surprisingly enough me and my brother were driving somewhere together a day or two after I decided I needed to get serious about my decision and he said "Why don't you just take the car?" (We share a car, but he is going off to college without it) I was kind shocked that he said this, so I kind of just looked at him in an wait, what?!...did you really just say that kind of way. He just responded with "I'm going to college, I don't need it, you didn't have it at college." I was still shocked that not only did he say this but he was the one that brought it up and suggested it without me saying anything. After his approval I knew I just (ha) had to get through my parents, and by parents I mean that I was going to talk to my Dad first since he would be easier before approaching my Mom with the topic. I talked to my Dad the next day & in the end he didn't care if I took the car, he just asked me a few questions on what I planned on doing out there. After getting his stamp of approval I was going to hold off for awhile (because I still do have to finish my internship and take the GRE before I can actually get the wheels officially turning), but of course I couldn't contain myself and I brought it up not even two days later. She was going to be my hardest to defeat, and I know she still will be. She told me I could take it if I could pay car insurance and my loan payments and rent, etc. I think she hopes that it just won't ever happen and I will stay living near here for plenty of years to come. & it's not that I don't want to be near her, it's just that I really want to have this experience and I want it to be when i'm young.

I know I still have a long road ahead of me, not to mention the literal 2,000+ miles to travel down the highway, but I am determined (and nervous and scared and anxious and excited and a little bit terrified) to start this journey that I have decided to pursue. I don't have a date in mind, but I do know that I have to take the GRE and apply to grad schools which would probably be easier to do without the chaos of moving cross country simultaneously. All I do know is that I am planning for much earlier than next summer and if all goes well I will be enjoying the smell of the ocean and the warmth of the sun sooner than I had previously dreamt of.

I have a few rules for myself, such as setting time limits for certain things. But how I look at it is- if a month goes by and I am couch surfing and unemployed and worse comes to worst and I have to drive my broke self 2,000 miles back to my parents house, at least I can say I tried, at least i'll have stories, at least i'll have no regrets. 

& i'm pretty sure that is what life is all about, or so i've heard...

Keep Chasing Your Dreams,
xoxo Kaila

P.S. a little dinner time conversation the night before my cousins left---
Me: "Are you going to miss me?"
Lex: 'No."
Me:  :( "...Well fine then."
Lex: "Only because I know you will be at my house in like a week!"

hahaha, I love her.

Buried Treasures.

Okay, so have you cleaned out your closet lately?! If not, go do it! You will not be disappointed, not if you are anything like me at least.

Backtracking-- After moving everything from my apartment back home, I made a plan to completely go through my room and get rid of things that have been sitting around unused for the past 4+ years. I knew my closet was going to be a project. I have a closet that is the entire length of one wall in my room, with two sets of doors. One side had a mound of shoes that was draped with random articles of clothing that had fallen off their hangers. On the other side, I had very few clothes hanging, it was more of a space that collected a lot of random knick-knacks accompanied by a stack of school books and a box filled with a variety of things from freshman year in college.

I began tackling the side with the mound of shoes since I knew this would be an easy organizational fix. I hung up the fallen clothes, and brought up a shoe rack from the basement to organize the shoes on. That side of the closet was looking better in no time.

The other side was a different story. I started by unloading two shelving units I had. One was filled with old sweatshirts that I stacked up for Goodwill. The other was filled with old school papers, awards, and random writings. I flipped through some of my old work (high school era) and was so surprised by some of my writings. Just as I had wrote in my blog Catching Up With The Past, You never know how much you can truly learn about yourself through a handful of sentences written in the past. " 

In one assignment (freshman year of high school) we had to pick a song that symbolized childhood, and another that symbolized the teenage years. For the childhood song I picked 'Walking on Sunshine' by Katrina & the Waves, which is pretty self explanatory. For the teenage years I chose 'Life's A Dance' by John Michael Montgomery. This is what I wrote: 

"Lyrics- Life's  dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, don't worry 'bout what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go. 
I believe that it relates to high school because, well, you learn as you go. Sometimes you are more of an individual, while other times you follow the crowd. It's really just about finding yourself and learning what life is all about."

It's crazy to think that that is how I felt about high school, because really this is how life is for many years beyond high school. We are always learning, always experiencing new things. We are always molding ourselves and gaining new knowledge on what life means, what life is. That last sentence I wrote really sticks with me, and I still believe it 100 percent. 

Another paper I found was one I wrote senior year, we had to write about our philosophy of life. Here are a few excerpts from that: 
-"I believe that the meaning of life is to acquire and maintain true happiness, while helping others do the same." 
-"Sometimes finding happiness acquires us to look beyond the surface..." 
& my favorite part of this paper--
-"In the seconds that we spend laughing with others, we are connected to them with an irreplaceable intensity." 

Yes, i'm aware, much of it is very cliche. But that last sentence, seriously, how cool is it to think about that? I would definitely still stand by those words to this day. When we are laughing with others, really laughing--those laughs that cannot be faked, and cannot be stopped even when you try to compose yourself--those are the moments worth living for. When you are laughing with someone else you are connected to them in some fascinating way that tears down all walls and opens up a special type of companionship. It's laughs like that that are not easily forgotten, and it's laughs like that friendships are built upon. 

Alright, moving on--the majority of the rest of the papers were not as exciting. With many being about various boring books we read and had to write essays on. Although I must admit, I wrote a pretty cool (yet embarrassing) rhyming poem & an interesting little blurb on what the American Dream is to me. Anyway, as I said... moving on.. 

On to the box that was filled with artifacts from freshman year (yes I am making myself sound ancient, but really this was not even 4 years ago). I opened up the box with an idea of what was inside, but when I saw my acceptance packet for Cal State, Northridge sitting on top I was caught off guard and immediately filled with happiness. It just brought me back to how excited I was to find out I had gotten into the student exchange program and how excited I was when I initially received that packet in the mail. I dug a little deeper into the box and pulled out a folder. I opened up the folder and saw a bunch of envelopes on one side. The first one was a card I had gotten from my parents and I assumed the following ones were similar. As I pulled them all out I was thrown off when I saw that they were all letters from soldiers. As a senior in high school I had 'adopted a soldier' and was his pen pal for nearly a year while he was in Iraq. I adopted him off of a website, soldiersangels.org. With adopting him I also had the responsibility (and joy) of sending him care packages. After he returned to the states I wanted to continue my service to the soldiers in some way. Since I was heading off to college I knew that sending care packages would be harder and my funds were going to be lower. So instead, I joined the letter writing team through the same organization. I got one soldiers name per week and I wrote them thank yous/short letters. Being on the letter writing team meant that it wasn't a permanent commitment, and many soldiers may not write back since you are not technically their pen pal, it was just more of a one time card/letter thing. But, there were some soldiers that would write back, and those were what made up the stack of envelopes that I found in that box. After re-reading the letters, I thought to myself that it wouldn't be a bad idea to pick that back up. It was almost like a hobby to me, & one that I enjoyed so much! Finding a letter in the mailbox from someone thousands of miles away, in a place that neither you or I would ever want to be, serving our country, is amazing. Knowing that your letter made it to them, and they wanted to write you back whether it was just to thank you or tell you a little bit about themselves, it was just always such a great feeling. & plus-- who doesn't love getting letters in the mail! 

So anyway, finding the box happened yesterday morning. And yesterday afternoon I went to a close family friends graduation party. At the party was one of my brothers close friends' Mom. Her son, Connor, had joined the Navy and is currently stationed stateside, in Florida. She sat down at the table and started telling us about how he is doing, and how much fun he is having now that he is done with boot camp. She then turned to me and said 'Your Mom was telling me how you adopted a solider off of Soldier's Angels, and I decided to do it since Connor doesn't care about getting letters anymore since he can call and Skype me whenever. I thought it was great that you had done something like that, so I signed up to be an angel too, I just received my soldiers name and address so I'm excited to start writing him and sending him things!' 
This totally through me off guard because 1. I had no idea my Mom had told her & 2. How crazy is it that I had just found all those letters a few hours earlier!?

Okay, so by no means am I saying I inspired someone, but I am so happy for the fact that because I had been involved in something, someone else learned about it and became involved!  I know that she will be a great angel to her soldier, she has such a big heart and I know that whoever her solider is, is one lucky guy. 

As for me, that just solidified the fact that I need to get involved again. Some way, doing something to positively impact the lives of others, even if it's only for the few minutes it takes them to read my letter. 

Well seeing as it's past 2300, it's time for me to sign off for bed, ;) 

xoxo,Kaila. 

Family is Forever

Well even though my last post would lead you to believe something different, these past few weeks have been more than amazing. The bad news brought about great times and lifelong memories.

So, to back track, the morning after I graduated I came downstairs and was sitting in the family room when my Mom told me that my grandpa was diagnosed with Stage 4 Liver Cancer. The doctor said he has 3-6 months without treatment, and with treatment it would hopefully stretch it to about a year. She had found out the day before, but didn't want to say anything since it was supposed to be my 'big day'. My Dad's parents are the only living grandparents I have and they live in Arizona. They had planned a road trip to Illinois and they were going to stay for about 2.5 weeks with a stop in Arkansas on the way back. Since my Grandpa got diagnosed literally days before their trip was about to begin it made their plans change a bit. My Grandpa was determined to still come since it was going to be their last big trip to the Midwest anyway. Mind you, the majority of their children & grandchildren live in the Chicago suburbs & it was home to them their entire lives until about 11 years ago.

So, once the family received word of my Grandpa's diagnoses, my cousin Megan, from Seattle, flew out to Arizona to join in on the road trip to Illinois. My cousin Katie & her husband Justin traveled up from Arkansas for the long Memorial Day weekend to spend time with the family (my grandparents unfortunately had to cut Arkansas out of their road trip plans in order to get back to AZ for treatment).

So to make a long story short, I got to spend a lot of time over the past 1.5 weeks with my grandparents and my cousins that I rarely see. I couldn't have asked for a better time. The days were filled with laughter and love. We made so many irreplaceable memories that I will hold close to me for the rest of my life. This week showed me that when it comes down to it, family will always still be there in the end. Family is made up of the people that will give you some of the best times of your life. Whether we live far or close, see them often or barely ever, they will be there in a second, if need be.

Even though the reason we saw each other so much was because something terrible has happened, it just reinforces what I said above. Thankfully, we have tons of new pictures & closer relationships have developed. For me, I was never really close to any of my cousins. They either moved or were always older than me. I am so thankful to now be closer to my cousins just from this past week. Cousins are seriously one of the best things in life. They are friends, unlike any other.

On Wednesday me, my dad,and my brother headed out to West Chicago for dinner with the family for the last time of the trip since they were leaving early Thursday morning. It was really hard for me knowing that there was a very good chance that this was the last time I would see my Grandpa. I don't know how someone faces knowing that someone they love is dying. I have never been faced with this before. Just knowing that there is only months left of someone's precious life. I still haven't allowed it to hit me fully. Every time I start to think about it too much I just push it away before I end up a complete mess.

It's heartwarming to know that he has been able to live 82 years with nearly 60 of those married to my Grandma. They raised 7 children on my Grandpa's salary for many years and have made countless friends.

They have so much to be proud of, and they have blessed me with so many childhood memories that I will be forever grateful for.

Hold your family close,
xoxoKaila

Too Much

Right now there is a lot going on in my life. It is too much to comprehend as of now.
I really wish I had someone to go through it with like I used to, but one way or another i'll make it through it all.

I don't even know where to begin to face all that is happening; I hope I find the strength in me soon.

-K

12 Days Left.

With graduation right around the corner I've been experiencing a mixture of emotions. I must admit that feeling stressed is the most common emotion lately, & i'm sure that will continue for the next ten days as well.

Now that I am actually taking a moment to think about it, the fact that I will not be returning to a college campus in August is surreal. Every August for the past four years I have shown up on campus (whether it be Illinois or California), with my belongings in hand, ready to start another year of college. With each year I have made different memories, and have had different experiences.

I was blessed to have 3 roommates every year. Some of you may not consider this a blessing, but it allowed me to learn about different cultures and personality types. There have been plenty of laughs, memories, good conversations and of course, annoyances. But that's life, and as they say-- you can't appreciate the good unless you get a taste of the bad every once in awhile.

But anyway, back to graduation. I still cannot believe it is creeping up on me so fast. My cap and gown came weeks ago, but I avoided facing that reality by sticking the box up on my closet shelf. I should probably take the gown out and hang it up to get the creases out, but I think it likes where it's at for now. I'm sure this won't be my final blog about graduation since it really is such a big deal & of course i'm only walking in the commencement ceremony, but still have an internship and online classes to finish up this semester. So you'll still be reading about my graduation 'process' for months... lucky you!

As I said before- I've been experiencing a mixture of emotions. Another emotion I have been feeling a lot lately is sadness. Most of you reading this probably think, oh sadness because i'm finishing up my college years. But my sadness it about something much different.

When I found out I could walk in the graduation ceremony in May and finish up my credits in summer, I was stoked. I called my parents right away, and told my siblings about it. I wanted everyone to be as happy as I was! From the beginning I wanted my parents, brother, and sister to be there graduation day. As reality set in it became pretty obvious that it was only going to be my parents. My sister has two kids and works full time, which makes a day trip to somewhere 2 hours away unlikely. My brother is a senior in high school and the star of the Varsity volleyball team. Missing school and practice wouldn't be worth it. I mean if we are being serious, what eighteen year old boy would want to sit in an arena, listen to a boring graduation ceremony, for 3-4 hours on a Friday night anyway. I understand that my siblings can't make it to my graduation, and that's fine. They have other things going on, but I know (or at least hope) that they will still be proud of me.

I wanted one other person to be in the audience watching me graduate. That person is a boy, who I've had a very complicated friendship/relationship with over the years. We were best friends for 4+ years and I got to spend time with him when I went to California earlier this year. When I found out in late February that I could walk on May 10th, I knew from the get go that I was going to invite him. We have been best friends for most of my college career, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be there. The letter I was planning to send to him to invite me to my graduation had already been written over and over in my head. Unfortunately, we stopped talking before I ever got a letter in the mail. Even before we stopped talking I knew in the back of my mind that he would never make the trip to the Midwest to see my walk across that stage. He would come up with a million excuses before even trying. With knowing that, for some reason, I still had been determined to invite him. I guess I just wanted him to be proud of me for once. I wanted him to be happy for me and be there on one of the biggest days of my life. But, not even story has a fairy tale ending.

A few days after me and him stopped talking I was skyping with my friend Aurora. She is studying in Puerto Rico right now (lucky girl) and she will be there until mid-June. I told her I was walking at the end of this semester and she immediately got all excited and asked me what day. When I told her it was May 10th, I could see her face fall in disappointment. She was so bummed out that she would still be in PR and couldn't 'bust a mission' (as she says) to come see me graduate. When I saw how genuinely sad she was about it, it made my heart break. Not only because she was sad, but because I was so worried about inviting someone that wouldn't even try coming, but not someone who actually would have tried her hardest to be there. In that instant it made me realize that there are so many people that love and care about me & who would love to see me graduate, but I was so caught up in wanting someone there that wouldn't try to be there.

& even though that boy may not be sitting out there in the audience watching me graduate, my parents will be- the two people that have never stopped helping me, supporting me, and loving me. & that's what matters. 

XoXo,
Kaila.